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Borowitz writes: "In the hopes of appealing to Republican primary voters, candidates for the 2016 Presidential nomination are working around the clock to unlearn everything that they have learned since the third grade, aides to the candidates have confirmed."

Republicans Rick Perry, Jeb Bush, and Scott Walker. (photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty, Kevork Djansezian/Getty, Darren Hauck/Getty)
Republicans Rick Perry, Jeb Bush, and Scott Walker. (photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty, Kevork Djansezian/Getty, Darren Hauck/Getty)


Republicans Unlearning Facts Learned in Third Grade to Compete in Primary

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

25 February 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


n the hopes of appealing to Republican primary voters, candidates for the 2016 Presidential nomination are working around the clock to unlearn everything that they have learned since the third grade, aides to the candidates have confirmed.

With the Iowa caucuses less than a year away, the hopefuls are busy scrubbing their brains of basic facts of math, science, and geography in an attempt to resemble the semi-sentient beings that Republican primary voters prize.

An aide to Jeb Bush acknowledged that, for the former Florida governor, “The unlearning curve has been daunting.”

“The biggest strike against Jeb is that he graduated from college Phi Beta Kappa,” the aide said. “It’s going to take a lot of work to get his brain back to its factory settings.”

At the campaign of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, the mood was considerably more upbeat, as aides indicated that Walker’s ironclad façade of ignorance is being polished to a high sheen.

“The fact that Scott instinctively says that he doesn’t know the answers to even the easiest questions gives him an enormous leg up,” an aide said.

But while some G.O.P. candidates are pulling all-nighters to rid themselves of knowledge acquired when they were eight, the campaign of Rick Perry, the former governor of Texas, is exuding a quiet confidence.

“I don’t want to sound too cocky about Rick,” said one Perry aide. “But what little he knows, he’s shown he can forget.”

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+108 # cymricmorty 2015-02-25 19:44
This really made me laugh helplessly. If I can somehow suppress my revulsion and dread, the GOP primary lineup will no doubt prove a treasure trove of gaffes, malapropisms and contortions of logic.
 
 
+68 # rayb-baby 2015-02-26 01:16
And every one of their voting base will understand them perfectly
 
 
+57 # RoseM 2015-02-25 20:26
Dumb and dumber.....
 
 
-105 # rradiof 2015-02-25 22:41
You are neither Jonathan Swift, nor George Carlin. Therefore, go away. My name is Faust. Over and out.
 
 
+40 # rayb-baby 2015-02-26 01:19
Are you sure that you're not satan?
 
 
+25 # cymricmorty 2015-02-26 09:28
@ rradiof:

Oh, you're just jealous.
 
 
+14 # Larry 2015-02-26 09:36
Please don't dominate the rap Jack
If you've got nothin' new to say.

--Jerry Garcia, New Speedway Boogie
 
 
+6 # EternalTruth 2015-02-26 13:23
Actually the lyrics are by Robert Hunter, not Jerry.
 
 
+10 # NAVYVET 2015-02-26 09:53
Thank goodness Andy's NOT George Carlin with his penchant for irritating vulgarity, and I guess you haven't yet understood that the issues of Swift's time are not exactly the same ones we must contend with.

I wish you had a time machine to satisfty your weaseling nostalgia! I think I'll rename you "Miniver Cheevy".
 
 
+10 # bmiluski 2015-02-26 10:01
No rradiof......yo ur name is TROLL. Now go back to your dorm room.
 
 
+39 # EternalTruth 2015-02-26 01:11
"It’s going to take a lot of work to get his brain back to its factory settings.”

It's an amusing article, but this line is crap. Our "factory settings" are inquisitive and open to ideas. It takes some a lot of serious brainwashing and abuse to override those settings to create the modern republican.
 
 
+18 # munza1 2015-02-26 01:46
It is as usual a very clever and funny line. Tabula rasa.
 
 
+14 # gdsharpe 2015-02-26 09:46
You are correct, but it could be that some were just born without those "settings" and thus became modern "Conservatives" .
 
 
+3 # bmiluski 2015-02-26 10:03
Unless, Eternal, they are just not born with it.
 
 
+18 # NAVYVET 2015-02-26 10:06
By factory settings I think he meant, simply, the overwhelming lack of knowledge we're born with. Otherwise I agree with your shrewd comment. Those poor boobs have been brainwashed at home, school and church--but mostly by trying to conform slavishly to every lower-common-de nominator opinion. They are cowards--which is why they worship firearms.

The ancient Greeks were correct--there' s only one constant in the moral universe: CHANGE. Being able to stay flexible and change a mistaken opinion is the basis of science, too. So when I hear the Tea Partiers bleat, I know they are scared of ANY change and I have to pity them, but they exemplify David Reisman's "Other Directed" personality that he didn't like, the empty soul who has to follow the mob or be ever trembling and fearful! After I read the Reisman book, about age 25, I deliberately set out to move my brain toward an "Inner Directed" personality (deliberately by conscience). I believe most of us who follow RSN made the same choice. To do otherwise is to deny and discard our natural "factory settings."
 
 
+6 # auroraconsultants 2015-02-26 11:58
...and you are a navyvet! More power to you!! Puts a better spin on "military" for me a PEACEnik!
 
 
+48 # pappajohn15@Gmail.com 2015-02-26 06:23
.
Upton Sinclair — 'It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it.'

These guys will have no problem. Nor do most conservatives...

.
 
 
+24 # pagrad 2015-02-26 07:06
It’s not funny, -unfortunately!

The Republican political party philosophy has been a failure for the last 100 years!
Google it. Any high school student with a credible education knows that it wouldn’t work. Unfortunately, many American voters haven’t had a good education, either, so they can’t distinguish it.
 
 
+24 # fredboy 2015-02-26 08:12
I still need to be convinced that they made it to the third grade.
 
 
+22 # NAVYVET 2015-02-26 10:20
Good point!! I was a 3rd grade teacher in a mixed ethnic, mixed religion public school--probabl y one of the worst schools in New Jersey, a suburb of Newark, with torn textbooks 30 years old and a tyrannical principal--and those kids were BRIGHT and EAGER! I taught them how to use metaphor and simile, and they wrote deep psychological poems and stories about their own hopes and fears. Any of them could have reasoned far beyond the Tea Party. I recall a brilliantly reasoned essay by one of our poorest children on "The Life of Abraham Lincoln". She began it: "Abraham Lincoln was born in Kentucky back when things were nice and clean, but I think that even the Passaic River wasn't a mess back then." Can you imagine Rand Paul using his brain that effectively?
 
 
+6 # auroraconsultants 2015-02-26 12:01
...and a teacher, too! Likewise...love d/taught poetry to 1st/2nd graders who "got it!" Haiku...outdoor s. These teabaggers have really forgotten about growth and change!
 
 
+2 # Larry 2015-02-26 08:40
"I look at you, and I see myself."

--Gordon Gekko to Bud Fox in "Wall Street."
 
 
+23 # Larry 2015-02-26 10:11
What on earth is the appeal of these people? Just look at the GOP faithful; brazenly ignorant, arrogant, fact denying, bigoted, gun-worshiping, homophobic, greedy, and brimming with self-righteous contempt for anything remotely favoring the common good over individual gain. As they behold narcissistic bottom-dwellers like Paul, Perry, Christie, etc., who surface during each presidential primary, they see themselves and fall in love.
 
 
+13 # Regina 2015-02-26 13:08
Larry -- it isn't "appeal" to voters that gets Repugnantans into office -- it's gerrymandered districts, blocked voters who lack the magic document-du-jou r for registration, and Fox Noise. A deadly combination.
 
 
+10 # bmiluski 2015-02-26 13:41
And lets not forget electron voting machines that can be very easily manipulated.
 
 
+20 # reiverpacific 2015-02-26 10:43
What's really scary is that these three megalomanic, anti-populist knuckle-dragger s have the nerve to even RUN for any office, given their destructive and corrupt records.
And that anybody would vote for them other than oligarchs and their patsies.
Only in America, or one of it's few remaining Banana Republic or Sheikdom allies.
 
 
+9 # Larry 2015-02-26 11:39
Good question. I think they have the nerve because destruction and corruption are precisely what the GOP wants. These people don't run because they want to make government work; they run because they want to make government starve and fail. The GOP is actually flirting with anarchy, which explains a lot, including their obsession with promoting freely available, untraceable guns.
 
 
+8 # auroraconsultants 2015-02-26 12:04
Yes, they want obstruction all the way. So that they can "start over" with the "old" values of what again??? They've lost all of their original values. They are in panic mode!
 
 
+4 # bingers 2015-02-27 12:32
They're not unlearning, they never learned in the first place. That's why conservatives appear so dumb.
 

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