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Borowitz writes: "The banking giant Citigroup announced on Friday that it would move its headquarters from New York to the U.S. Capitol Building, in Washington, D.C., in early 2015."

U.S. Capitol building. (photo:  Wikimedia Commons)
U.S. Capitol building. (photo: Wikimedia Commons)


Citigroup to Move Headquarters to U.S. Capitol Building

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

14 December 14

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

he banking giant Citigroup announced on Friday that it would move its headquarters from New York to the U.S. Capitol Building, in Washington, D.C., in early 2015.

Tracy Klugian, a spokesperson for Citi, said that the company had leased thirty thousand square feet of prime real estate on the floor of the House of Representatives and would be interviewing “world-class architects” to redesign the space to suit its needs.

According to sources, Citi successfully outbid other firms, including JPMorgan Chase and Goldman Sachs, for the right to move its headquarters to the House floor.

The Citi spokesperson acknowledged that the extensive makeover of the House is expected to cost “in the millions,” but added, “It’s always expensive to open a new branch.”

Explaining the rationale behind the move, Klugian told reporters, “Instead of constantly flying out from New York to give members of Congress their marching orders, Citigroup executives can be right on the floor with them, handing them legislation and telling them how to vote. This is going to result in tremendous cost savings going forward.”

Klugian said that Citi’s chairman, Michael E. O’Neill, will not occupy a corner office on the House floor, preferring instead an “open plan” that will allow him to mingle freely with members of Congress.

“He doesn’t want to come off like he’s their boss,” the spokesperson said. “Basically, he wants to send the message, ‘We’re all on the same team. Let’s roll up our sleeves and get stuff done.’ ”


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+64 # babaregi 2014-12-14 15:02
It only hurts when I laugh, lol....ooooh!
 
 
+64 # cymricmorty 2014-12-14 15:28
Hahaha, and in a perfect satirical world the "tremendous cost savings" realized by this move would trickle down to us taxpayers...
 
 
+48 # PeacefulGarden 2014-12-14 18:03
Yeah, this is the best. I need a glass of wine and a piece of my wife's pecan pie. Here's to Andy!
 
 
+25 # lexorcista 2014-12-14 23:09
why go to that expense?
2/3 of Congress are beholden to Israel (as reported in The Economist a couple of years ago).
Can the House accommodate both groups? (unless they cooperate.......)
Special interest groups have disfigured the idea(l) of democracy.
Will there be a credible movement for reform?
 
 
+2 # Helen Marshall 2014-12-16 16:13
Only 2/3? 100% of the Senate votes as told...
 
 
+73 # unitedwestand 2014-12-14 23:19
I don't know why but I didn't even crack a smile reading this, not that it isn't witty as hell as usual, but just the title alone made me say: "no kidding" because the statement is not that far off.

Eloquent satire such as this cuts too close to the disease.
 
 
+24 # Texas Aggie 2014-12-14 23:32
Amen!
 
 
+3 # PeacefulGarden 2014-12-15 15:26
Well the best relief for mental illness is laughter. Notice I did not say the best cure for mental illness is laughter.

Our Capitol is an icon of mental illness at this point. I don't see a cure, do you? What else is there to do but laugh at it, (or with it, no, not with it).
 
 
+28 # MindDoc 2014-12-14 23:46
“It’s always expensive to open a new branch.”

But the tap is now open, because G-d knows the American public has been clamoring for 10x more flow of raw money into sustaining the political party system and for undoing protections for taxpayers to prevent banks from their gambling away our money in derivatives guaranteed by taxpayers. No worries, they'll just increase the war budget, turn up the media messaging machine, & tell us "what the people want" (more payola for politicians and banks!). Next they'll seek to pay for the predictable deficits by attacking "entitled" retired workers and social security recipients and infants.

So let the bankers build another branch, filled with politicians with 10x improved vacuuming up money potential, removal of regulations which protect consumers, and a focus on eliminating such frivolous priorities as education, infrastructure, and healthcare for the 95 % known as "We the (human) People".

Satire can be an antidote to propaganda setting in, and Andy delivers it with a heavy dose of reality folded into the mix. He definitely is channeling what's really become of "our" government.

I know we'll hear the claim that Congress was simply acting fairly and justly: They allowed Chase to be the "too big to fail" poster child last time our economy collapsed (except at the top), so it's only fair that this time Citibank got its turn as branch manager for Congress. Into 2015, as a snowball of oligarchy & greed take over our "branches".
 
 
+65 # Jayceecool 2014-12-15 00:40
I feel as though we are living in a post-satirical era...things have gotten so bad that satire is indistinguishab le from reality.
 
 
+13 # Nel 2014-12-15 06:17
I like that; same for fiction v. reality.
 
 
+19 # Old4Poor 2014-12-15 01:57
Brilliant.
 
 
+15 # Peter B. K. 2014-12-15 04:27
I am surprised, I thought they were already there...... toghether with JPM, GS and consorts.
The positive aspect is that they make it now official.
 
 
+16 # Akeel1701 2014-12-15 05:40
I thought this was meant to be satire..... :p
 
 
+15 # ericlipps 2014-12-15 07:04
Quote:
The banking giant Citigroup announced on Friday that it would move its headquarters from New York to the U.S. Capitol Building, in Washington, D.C., in early 2015.
Shouldn't it be the other way around, with Congress relocating to humble offices in Citigroup's soaring corporate headquarters? In the basement, perhaps?
 
 
+9 # fredboy 2014-12-15 07:06
Or out on the patio. Citigroup probably won't want or let them in the building.
 
 
+9 # fredboy 2014-12-15 07:09
The current Congress won't let them in the building. Companies and other warts are instead assigned sections of outside steps where they must stand and plea and demand action.

This serves a twofold purpose: The companies and their bucks are nearby. And the resulting mob blocks individual citizens from entering the building.
 
 
+5 # 1wolff 2014-12-15 07:25
"... flying out from New York"? Oh well.
 
 
+11 # wrknight 2014-12-15 08:52
Why not? Don't they already own the place?
 
 
+12 # Corvette-Bob 2014-12-15 12:29
I receive less than 1% on my savings so that the government was able to bail out the banks for the 2008 collapse when they were gambling with the savings of people. So my reward for living simply and savings for my old age, is a cut in my income and more money for Wall Street crooks. The latest budget passed by Congress cuts the safeguards put into place after the bailout so that we most likely will have another collapse in 10 years and the next generation can bail out the banks for their gambling with our money. Isn't the world great or what?
 
 
+1 # cymricmorty 2014-12-17 09:22
I don't even have savings. There hasn't been anything left over to save for a long, long time. If I look at it in a "glass half full" sort of way, I don't have a long fall.
 
 
0 # Corvette-Bob 2014-12-15 12:29
I receive less than 1% on my savings so that the government was able to bail out the banks for the 2008 collapse when they were gambling with the savings of people. So my reward for living simply and savings for my old age, is a cut in my income and more money for Wall Street crooks. The latest budget passed by Congress cuts the safeguards put into place after the bailout so that we most likely will have another collapse in 10 years and the next generation can bail out the banks for their gambling with our money. Isn't the world great or what?
 
 
0 # Corvette-Bob 2014-12-15 12:29
I receive less than 1% on my savings so that the government was able to bail out the banks for the 2008 collapse when they were gambling with the savings of people. So my reward for living simply and savings for my old age, is a cut in my income and more money for Wall Street crooks. The latest budget passed by Congress cuts the safeguards put into place after the bailout so that we most likely will have another collapse in 10 years and the next generation can bail out the banks for their gambling with our money. Isn't the world great or what?
 
 
+2 # pegasus4508 2014-12-15 15:48
So funny, sad and true. First thing that popped in my mind when I read the caption was "Why not save Jamie all the $$$$$ he spends flying to and fro?" Damn! Spot ON!
 

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