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Borowitz writes: "Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party's long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, 'We must make America somewhere no one wants to live.'"

A GOP immigration plan? (photo: Alex Wong/Getty)
A GOP immigration plan? (photo: Alex Wong/Getty)


GOP Unveils Immigration Plan: "Make America Somewhere No One Wants to Live"

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

20 November 14

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

enate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his party’s long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, “We must make America somewhere no one wants to live.”

Appearing with House Speaker John Boehner, McConnell said that, in contrast to President Obama’s “Band-Aid fixes,” the Republican plan would address “the root cause of immigration, which is that the United States is, for the most part, habitable.”

“For years, immigrants have looked to America as a place where their standard of living was bound to improve,” McConnell said. “We’re going to change that.”

Boehner said that the Republicans’ plan would reduce or eliminate “immigration magnets,” such as the social safety net, public education, clean air, and drinkable water.

The Speaker added that the plan would also include the repeal of Obamacare, calling healthcare “catnip for immigrants.”

Attempting, perhaps, to tamp down excitement about the plan, McConnell warned that turning America into a dystopian hellhole that repels immigrants “won’t happen overnight.”

“Our crumbling infrastructure and soaring gun violence are a good start, but much work still needs to be done,” he said. “When Americans start leaving the country, we’ll know that we’re on the right track.”

In closing, the two congressional leaders expressed pride in the immigration plan, noting that Republicans had been working to make it possible for the past thirty years.

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+91 # Milarepa 2014-11-20 14:23
Wonderful stuff, Andy.
 
 
+59 # pwehrle 2014-11-20 15:11
Yes..inside satire or a good joke is always the truth...in this case, if the Rethugs are unchecked, this is precisely the endpoint for this country.
 
 
+82 # bmiluski 2014-11-20 14:24
OMG..........Ju st the headline alone made me laugh. Well done, Andy.
 
 
+96 # wrknight 2014-11-20 14:29
As I've said before, Andy doesn't write satire, he simply states the truth.
 
 
+40 # fredboy 2014-11-20 15:55
That's the best satire: Just grab a mirror and hold it up for all the world to see!

Keep it up, Andy!
 
 
+58 # fredboy 2014-11-20 14:47
I just received an inspiration from the Repugs and have decided to deport all non-native Americans, including all with ancestries not native to this continent on the cutoff date of 1607, or the hemisphere on the cutoff date of 1492.

Sorry, most of us have to leave. Start packing...
 
 
+47 # jon 2014-11-20 14:56
This guy has one of the best developed senses of irony I have ever had the good fortune to encounter!
 
 
+42 # LizR 2014-11-20 15:22
They succeeded many years ago as far as I'm concerned. If I ever feel tempted I just have to glance at the gun-related statistics, McDonalds, the lack of support for the vulnerable, the ignorance about the rest of the world, the blind worship of big business, the uglification of the beautiful English language, the myths about how everything in the world was invented there and a few dozen other things, to realise that I'd rather stay in New Zealand.
 
 
-9 # bmiluski 2014-11-20 16:28
I'm sorry....but... ."the uglification of the beautiful English language,"....r eally??? Have you HEARD yourselves speak?
 
 
+1 # rockieball 2014-11-21 09:36
Heck the way people here who ancestor's came from England have already uglified the beautiful English Language. What say you thou varlet.
 
 
-67 # skylinefirepest 2014-11-20 15:59
What we need is a president who will do his freaking job, close the border, put security on the border that is meaningful and then we can start working on the hordes of illegals in this country.
 
 
+23 # bmiluski 2014-11-20 16:28
People....pleas e do not give him any red marks or notice. Skyline is a TROLL. Please just ignore him and he might go away.
 
 
+20 # bckrd1 2014-11-20 18:55
What if Congress did not fund it?
You do know the Republicans underfund agencies and then point at someone else and declare it broken. They cut the State Department Embassy budgets by over 300 million leaving no money for security and when Benghazi happens they point at the President and Clinton demanding answers while never looking in the mirror.
 
 
+4 # cymricmorty 2014-11-21 09:25
flamingpest, I mean firepest: the unreasonable voice of one crying out in the wilderness of reason.
 
 
+11 # mmcmanus 2014-11-21 09:52
Yes, and that chubby little cubana Rafael "Ted" Cruz should be the first deported. His father worked for Fidel Castro, came to the United States, then abandoned the US to move to Canada, yet he excoriates latinos who want to come here for freedom and a better life. If he can't prove he's a citizen, deport him. If he can prove he's a citizen, try him for treason. His rants undermine the government of the United States, and give aid and comfort to our enemies.
 
 
+6 # Anarchist 23 2014-11-21 12:16
Perfectly misdirected sense of indignation as the .01% robs the rest of the 99+% of everything they have and then distracts their attention with the dog whistle 'illegal immigrants'..an d if that is not working, changing pitch to 'abortions, religious freedom, terrorists,blac ks' etc...yep, keep your ears cocked for your Master's whistle and then stampede in that direction, skylinefirepest !
 
 
+37 # tclose 2014-11-20 16:17
This is the best Borowitzism I have seen yet!

Now I understand why the Repubs have been working so hard over the past 6 years to oppose any Democratic legislation that makes our country better.
 
 
+16 # Seadog 2014-11-20 17:29
Andy is a genius.
 
 
+21 # angelfish 2014-11-20 17:32
Satirical or not, it's God's HONEST Truth! Keep up the great work, Andy!
 
 
+22 # oakes721 2014-11-20 17:35
Corporate entities are the only ones being enriched by illegal immigrants who can be blackmailed into working for $4 an hour ~ despite the facade of protest against border crossings. They will always be welcome to slip through the corporate 'loopholes' ~ just as the "Wars" on drugs, terror, poverty etc. are nurtured in the pretense of extinguishing such profitable businesses.
 
 
+19 # ericlipps 2014-11-20 18:39
Good stuff.

Of course, we could always try helping other countries become places fewer people want to leave. And we don't need to send in troops to do it, either.
 
 
+16 # bckrd1 2014-11-20 18:51
Good stuff but not so much satire. A lot of it is pretty true.
 
 
+11 # Floe 2014-11-20 19:28
Bravo Andy Borowitz!
 
 
+14 # Texas Aggie 2014-11-20 20:16
When satire and investigative reporting overlap, you know that there is something very wrong. And what Andy has been doing lately is more investigative reporting than satire.
 
 
+4 # cymricmorty 2014-11-21 09:29
The repubs "30-year plan" laid out in a brief, flawless piece, although I don't know whether to laugh or weep. That plan affects the 99% as well.
I'd love to make myself an emigration plan, but realistically can't pull that off.
 
 
+4 # Buddha 2014-11-21 11:11
Plan? They have already succeeded, my "plan" hopefully in a few years is to buy a cruising sailboat and leave this nuthouse and never look back. My bigger concern is that the GOP makes this a nation where nobody can LEAVE, usually that is what happens once fascism becomes obvious. They have already made it very costly to renounce citizenship (Expatriation Tax) or to reside outside the country (Citizen Based Taxation, with complex accounting for foreign accounts/invest ments). That's my concern about the border fence and the idea to put machine guns on the border to keep out Hispanics...tha t they could be as simply turned around to keep everyone IN.
 
 
+2 # rose528 2014-11-21 17:08
Andy you may present it as satire, but I think that in the minds of the republican leaders really believe it.
 
 
-1 # RMDC 2014-11-21 20:28
Republicans did this a long time ago. Only idiots like Amerikkka. I'm not American but I'm living in Amerikkka for work. I can't wait to leave this hell hole and get back home where there is at least some civilization. Amerikkka is a vicious culture that fetishizes guns, killing, and billionaires. The population has been entertained to death, as in Neil Postman's great book "Amusing Ourselves to Death." Well most Amerikkkans are already brain dead.
 
 
+2 # politicfix 2014-11-23 08:28
McConnell further gave an overview of the future. The elite wealthiest individuals will be going to Mars which will be converted to a luxury country and we will be controlling the Earth from there. By then conditions will have deteriorated even more with crumbled infrastructure, polluted water, disease, and substandard living conditions. At that time we plan on making immigration open to everyone.
 

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