G.O.P. Race Turns Ugly as Paul Head-Butts Cruz

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

12 March 14

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n a preview of what promises to be a heated race for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) head-butted his rival Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) on the floor of the United States Senate this morning.

The melee "came without warning," one observer said, as Sen. Paul took to the well of the Senate to give a speech recommending a strong but measured response to the crisis in Ukraine.

Almost immediately, a furious and beet-red Sen. Cruz began heckling Sen. Paul, calling him a "Kentucky-fried Communist" and demanding that he "apologize to Ronald Reagan this very instant."

Sen. Paul seemed to ignore the heckling at first, but as Sen. Cruz's taunts descended into a stream of profane name-calling, the Kentuckian leapt from the well of the Senate and began throttling Sen. Cruz before administering the decisive head-butt.

"Shut up, you bastard!" Sen. Paul reportedly shouted during the brawl. "Shut up, or I'll make you shut up!"

A group of horrified senators - including Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), and Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.) - pulled the two men apart, aided by a C.I.A. agent who had been monitoring the Senate's activities at the time.

Within moments, the free-for-all was over, but not before more fists were thrown and a gash was opened over Sen. Cruz's left eye.

In the aftermath of the skirmish, Sen. Paul seemed pleased with the outcome. "Sen. Cruz and I may not always agree, but we're both passionate about our views," he said. "This kind of debate is healthy for the Republican Party."

Under the rules of the Senate, head-butting another senator results in a mandatory suspension of seven days, experts said.