Yes, Nixon Was, In Fact, A Crook

By Charles Pierce, Esquire

19 May 13

hose of us who count among our old friends Clio, Muse Of History-often known by her Marvel superhero name, The Proclaimer (!)-are concerned because all the evidence indicates that she's self-medicating again. We stopped by yesterday, after White House Correspondent Huckleberry J. Dumbbell asked the president if he was "concerned" about "comparisons" that "some" of his "critics" were making between himself and Richard Nixon (a.k.a., History's Yard Waste). The blinds at her small house were all drawn. We knocked several times and, finally, somebody kicked the door in. When it swung open, it knocked over a pile of empty Rebel Yell bottles that had reached all the way to the ceiling.

"Well, I'll let you guys engage in those comparisons," Obama said, smirking. "You can go ahead and read the history, I think, and draw your own conclusions..."

(Smirking? The president deftly avoided the obvious answer, which was, "Are you on fking mushrooms, Junior?" as non-presidential.)

For the benefit of wandering fetuses who may have joined our program in progress-and for the benefit of aging stenographers whose memories may be failing them-here is what has happened in the IRS "scandal" so far. There was bureaucratic dumbassery in the IRS office in Cincinnati to which there was something of an inadequate response by the home office in Washington. This dumbassery concerned the criteria involved in the certification process of 501 (c) 4 groups which, since the Citizens United decision was handed down, have become the biggest scam against democracy this side of whatever Michelle Rhee comes up with next. (It did not involve, you know, actual IRS audits of said groups. It was about...paperwork.) Subsequently, the IRS blew the whistle on itself. The president fired an interim commissioner. Somebody else resigned. The president got angry about it. And that's it.

OK, now, through the work of the indefatigable Stanley Kutler, let's climb into the Wayback Machine and see how similar this is to what Richard Nixon did, just to help "some critics" get themselves some clarity.

(The Oval Office, September 13, 1971)

PRESIDENT NIXON: Billy Graham told us an astonishing thing. The IRS are badgering the shit out of him. Some son-of-a-bitch came and gave him a three-hour grilling about how much he, you know, how much this contribution is worth. And he told it to [John] Connally. Well, Connally took the name of the guy [unclear]. But, now look, I've just got to get that name out of Connally when you get back. Now, they've gone after Billy Graham and he didn't know it. Now here's the point, Bob: please get me the names of the Jews, you know, the big Jewish contributors of the Democrats.

HALDEMAN: Mm-hmm.

PRESIDENT NIXON: And remember [unclear] [John] Ehrlichman, I guess, or somebody.

HALDEMAN: [Unclear.]

PRESIDENT NIXON: All right. Could we please investigate some of the cocksuckers? That's all. Now look at here. Here our IRS is going after Billy Graham tooth and nail. Are they going after Eugene Carson Blake? 1 I asked, you know, what I mean is, goddamn, I don't believe-I just don't-"

HALDEMAN: [Unclear.]

PRESIDENT NIXON: I just don't know whether we are frankly being as tough as we ought to be, that's all.

(The Oval Office: January, 1, 1973)

PRESIDENT NIXON: What about (Edward) Bennett Williams? That's one of the (IRS) files that should be pulled.

COLSON: Should be.

PRESIDENT NIXON: That's my point.

(The Oval Office: March 30, 1973)

PRESIDENT NIXON: Is his income tax being checked yet, or have we got our man (new IRS head, Donald Alexander) in yet?

HALDEMAN: We nominated him, but he isn't confirmed. He isn't there.

PRESIDENT NIXON: Well, you know damn well he (Weicker) didn't report this income, so we'll just say that.

HALDEMAN: Oh, he'll get around that. He'll just say it was a campaign contribution.

PRESIDENT NIXON: Oh, I know. I know. But if he didn't report itas a campaign contribution, he's broken the law.

(Ed. Note: "Weicker" is Senator Lowell Weicker, Republican of Connecticut who was at that time a member of the Senate Select Committee that would investigate what John Mitchell came to call "the White House horrors.")

The Nixon IRS did not self-report. Nixon did not fire anyone when he found out about the stuff he'd ordered. Nixon did not come out and deplore the whole business. The parallels are striking! Meanwhile, on the shores of the river, we find a half-empty bottle of Klonopin and one sandal. We despair.