Why You Should 'Lean In' to Sheryl Sandberg's New Book

By Alexandra Chang, Wired

14 March 13

o get a sense of how I reacted to Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's new book, Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead, look no further than the stars and exclamation points that fill the margins of my review copy.

The first of these appears next to a paragraph where Sandberg details the divergent cultural messages directed at boys versus girls. Girls are often, blatantly, encouraged to be "pretty," Sandberg explains, while smarts and leadership are left to the boys.

"When a girl tries to lead, she is often labeled bossy," she writes. "Boys are seldom bossy because a boy taking the role of a boss does not surprise or offend." This small remark had me spinning. Not because I didn't agree, but because, as someone who, like Sandberg, has been called bossy her whole life, I was shocked I hadn't realized this before.

This is Lean In's virtue. Sandberg's "sort of feminist manifesto," released on Monday, is at its best when it shines a light on sexism's shadowy, more hidden nooks. Another key strength is the advice Sandberg offers, informed by her indisputably remarkable rise through the ranks of politics and business, that you can actually act on.

To be sure, the book is absolutely not a one-size-fits-all commentary on contemporary gender dynamics, and Sandberg says as much in the book's introduction. Honestly, it would be silly to expect that from Lean In, or any one individual's personal take on gender issues, for that matter. What Lean In does provide is a broad gloss on how women, mostly in America, fare in the workplace - depressing statistic after depressing statistic - along with insight into how Sandberg reached her current position and her takeaways from her journey to the top.

Take the much-discussed case out of Columbia Business School, recounted by Sandberg, that measured "likability" among men versus women in business. Some students were told of an aggressive, successful venture capitalist named Heidi; others were told the same story except that the VC's name was changed to Howard. Even though no other details were changed, students found Howard the more likable of the "two." Just knowing that this type of thinking remains in our culture, however mild or entrenched it may be, can give a woman a new perspective on her career (as it did for me). For highlighting all of these studies alone, Sandberg's book is worthwhile.

But Sandberg goes beyond studies to anchor her narrative with personal stories. She describes watching both women and men demean successful women as "too aggressive" or "a bit political." And she admits to an epiphany when a female superior turned out to be unhelpful. That she took it so personally, Sandberg writes, was due to her then-unexamined expectation, fostered by the same unequal assumptions about gender in the workplace decried by her book, that this woman ought to be more helpful and nurturing than her male counterparts.

The backlash women face when they succeed has hurt the way women approach their career, according to Sandberg. We've internalized the fear of being disliked. She opens up about hiding achievements to be better liked by her peers.

Most working women will find Sandberg's stories incredibly relatable. What woman hasn't wrestled with self-doubt? With fear of sitting at the table or raising her hand? I can't even count the number of times I've entered a big meeting room only to sit along the edge of the wall - and not because I was late and there was nowhere else to sit. Or how often I've listened to female friends bemoan their position at work, only to scoff at the idea of asking for more responsibilities or a promotion.

But don't just take my word for it. Sandberg has data on just how common these experiences are for working women. She points out that men apply to jobs when they meet merely 60 percent of the listed requirements, while women wait until they meet 100 percent. Men also negotiate for higher salaries far more often than women. For example, of a graduating class of Carnegie Mellon students, 57 percent of the men initiated negotiations, compared to 7 percent of women.

The only, truly cringe-inducing section of Sandberg's book is the advice that follows on how women should negotiate. It involves a lot of smiling, using the word "we" instead of "I," expressing appreciation to your bosses, and more such lady-like behavior. And did I mention, more smiling?

Sandberg is aware of the contradictions: "No wonder women don't negotiate," she says. In response to this kind of self-defeatism, Sandberg continues to advise women to "lean in." She, too, is learning just how to shift the landscape that exists for today's working women. As AllThingsD's Kara Swisher smartly puts it, "as it turns out, leaning in turns out to mean a very bumpy ride for those who do."

But Sandberg's approach is far from tough-love, victim-blaming. She acknowledges the many historical, social and political barriers that women face. "Leaning in" for Sandberg means women trying to overcome their internal barriers, informed by a broader awareness of all the external landmines history and culture have placed in their way.

Sandberg has come under attack from critics who say her advice is all well and good for anyone in the privileged position of a billionaire executive but fails to address the realities faced by the rest of us. I read Lean In before the onslaught of Sandberg bashing began in February with Jodi Kantor's New York Times story, followed by Maureen Dowd's column and the many, many more reviews and columns that later appeared. The criticism didn't necessarily surprise me, but some of it seemed incredibly sad. Most of the attacks centered on Sandberg's persona rather than the content of the book, and some alleged that the Lean In was more about building up the "Sheryl Sandberg" brand than starting a genuine a conversation about women at work. What was so, so disappointing, as Anna Holmes notes at The New Yorker, is that several of the writers lashing out at Sandberg hadn't even read the book.

To her credit, Sandberg predicted the backlash in the very beginning of Lean In. "I have heard these criticisms in the past and I know that I will hear them - and others - in the future," she writes. "My hope is that my message will be judged on its merits." This awareness in itself doesn't make the book immune from criticism. But among its merits is the way Sandberg doesn't shy away from describing her own struggles to take risks at work, to ask for what she wants, to negotiate, to find an equal partner. We may not all enjoy Sandberg-level status or wealth. But so many of us can relate to the challenge of the climb, no matter where we're trying to get.