The Executive Orders Translated

By Charles Pierce, Esquire

17 January 13

late's Dave Weigel helpfully has listed the 23 Executive Orders issued by the president today in connection with his initiative on gun violence. Let us put them all through the helpful NRA Tyranny Translator and see what we get, OK?

1. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system.

(The singular of "data" is "tyrant." Look it up.)

2. Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system.

(You'll get my schizophrenia when you pry it from our cold dead hands.)

3. Improve incentives for states to share information with the background check system.

(Someone in Vermont will know what I'm doing. The jackboot of Ben And Jerry's is on my neck.)

4. Direct the Attorney General to review categories of individuals prohibited from having a gun to make sure dangerous people are not slipping through the cracks.

(First they came for the insane, and I said nothing, because I was not insane. Then, they came for the felons, and I said nothing, because I was not a felon. Then they came for the Christians in my town...wait, maybe I am insane.)

5. Propose rulemaking to give law enforcement the ability to run a full background check on an individual before returning a seized gun.

(See? SEE? The gun is already seized. They're putting together "new" regulations but they're already talking about "seized" guns. False flag! False flag!)

6. Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers.

(I am bunkered down outside, near the curb, in case the ATF invades my property by mail.)

7. Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign.

(We have that now. It's called Everybody Gets A Gun. We already are working on the updated version; Everybody Gets More Guns.)

8. Review safety standards for gun locks and gun safes (Consumer Product Safety Commission).

(First, the CPSC came for the toys....slippery slope! Slippery slope!)

9. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations.

(If criminals are outlawed, only outlaws will be criminals.)

10. Release a DOJ report analyzing information on lost and stolen guns and make it widely available to law enforcement.

(My right to lose my gun and have a cannibal murderer find it cannot be abridged.)

11. Nominate an ATF director.

(If the jackboot fits...)

12. Provide law enforcement, first responders, and school officials with proper training for active shooter situations.

(Wait, I like this.)

13. Maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime.

(Wait, I'm supposed to say that I like this.)

14. Issue a Presidential Memorandum directing the Centers for Disease Control to research the causes and prevention of gun violence.

(Sure. The CDC will declare gun violence a disease and we'll all have to get vaccinated and then we'll all get autism and the UN will control our minds.)

15. Direct the Attorney General to issue a report on the availability and most effective use of new gun safety technologies and challenge the private sector to develop innovative technologies.

(The AG is going to "challenge the private sector" to do something. Probably at gunpoint. Fast And Furious! Slippery Slope! False flag! False flag!)

16. Release a letter to health care providers clarifying that no federal law prohibits them from reporting threats of violence to law enforcement authorities.

(My right to threaten to shoot my boss in front of witnesses cannot be abridged...)

17. Provide incentives for schools to hire school resource officers.

("Resource" officers? What kind of "resources"? "Natural resources", perhaps? Agenda 21! Fast and Furious! Slipperyy slope! False flag! False flag!)

18. Develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education.

(We already have a plan for this, too. Pistol-packin' Padres.)

19. Release a letter to state health officials clarifying the scope of mental health services that Medicaid plans must cover.

(Socialism!)

20. Finalize regulations clarifying essential health benefits and parity requirements within ACA exchanges.

(Double socialism!)

21. Commit to finalizing mental health parity regulations.

(Quadruple infinity socialism!)

22. Launch a national dialogue led by Secretaries Sebelius and Duncan on mental health.

(You know who else launched national dialogues?)

I wish us all luck.

Charlie has been a working journalist since 1976. He is the author of four books, most recently "Idiot America." He lives near Boston with his wife but no longer his three children.