Taibbi writes: "It seems there's going to be a surprise shocker-ending to our contest from last week, 'Come Up With the Ultimate Thomas Friedman Porn Title.'"
Matt Taibbi. (photo: Current TV)
Surprise Winner in Thomas Friedman Porn-Title Contest
13 May 13
t seems there's going to be a surprise shocker-ending to our contest from last week, "Come Up With the Ultimate Thomas Friedman Porn Title." I had Friedman porn-stache mugs wrapped and ready for mailing, and was actually going to name not one winner but four, since we had so many outstanding entries.
But circumstances intervened, and now I'm forced to declare one winner. We had a submission so inspired and impressive that it's going to require a more serious prize than a simple mug. I think the logical choice, if I can negotiate a decent price with the artist (we've done business before), is Geoffrey Raymond's* "It's a 401(k) World," a painting inspired by Friedman's work.
The actual winning submission requires a small explanation. In the meantime, we're still handing out mugs to the other four top entries. In order, they are:
- @fsimmons, who seems to be the first person to have come up with The Next Six Inches Are Critical, which was overwhelmingly the favorite with readers. In fact, it might have been the outright winner, had, well, circumstances not intervened.
- @salamibaloni's elegant-in-simplicity B Anal, come on down.
- @raouldukeinLA's The Lexus In Miss Jones was the best Friedman-inspired homage to classic porn, with Debbie Does Davos and the many submitted takes on Insatiable (Indecipherable, Incomprehensible, Unreadable, Inscrutable) also in the running. Beyond the Green-Technology Door was a nice and subtle late entry, but simply not gross and juvenile enough to be a winner in this contest.
- @rollotomasi3030's Longitudes and Shat-on-Dudes was my favorite homage-to-an-actual-Friedman-title, so it gets a mug. Close but not quite earning the proverbial cigar were It's a 4nik(8) World, Hot, Flat and Pounded and one very late, cleverly blunt submission, Iran's Greatest Weakness May Be Her Vagina.
All four of you Twitter entrants, please '; document.write( '' ); document.write( addy_text46422 ); document.write( '<\/a>' ); //--> with your mailing address so we can get you your mugs.
As for the grand prize, it's really no contest. The winning entry came in last Sunday morning, and once it came in, even many of the readers who had entered the contest with their own painstakingly-thought-out ideas bowed out, realizing they'd been beaten soundly.
The winner, of course, is Thomas Friedman himself, whose very next column after this contest was announced was entitled, "This Ain't Yogurt."
"Jesus Fucking Christ," noted a friend, impressed. "This Ain't Yogurt is more obscene than anything a mere commentator could think of."
"He took your contest," noted another "friend" of mine, "and shoved it right up your poop-chamber."
"Friedman's revenge," chirped a reader.
"Tom Friedman - human masterpiece machine," commented a fourth. "Matt Taibbi, Suck On This. Grab some bench, rook."
The column is, depressingly, a masterpiece of the genre:
An Arab friend remarked to me that watching the United States debate how much to get involved in Syria reminded him of an Arab proverb: "If you burn your tongue once eating soup, for the rest of your life you'll blow on your yogurt."
Readers are welcome to do their own research to find out what's soup and what's yogurt in this story. Painful as it is to admit, it's worth it. Friedman was in such a zone with this piece, he even double-midwifed the body of the article (there are two different "midwife" metaphors), reaching new heights with this passage:
But, to do that, they need either an external midwife to act as a referee between all their constituent communities (who never developed trust in one another) as they try to replace sectarianism, Islamism and tribalism with a spirit of democratic citizenship or they need their own Nelson Mandela.
He has to be consciously sticking it to his critics here by throwing a striped referee uniform on his already-crouching midwife, there's really no other explanation. Anyway, it's the best soup-yogurt-midwife-referee-next Nelson Mandela-removing the heavy lid of authoritarianism column ever written. And the title is the clear winner of this little contest. Let that be a lesson. You mess with the bull, you get the antlers . . .
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Could Judge Hatch explain or develop and app to advise where woman should and should not be, with appropriate warnings linked to each location.
Why are the thugs (police) always exonerated from their despicable anti-social acts of violence against women, with the "judges" complicit in their crimes against women.
My firm was considering a move into the Phoenix marketplace. Our food and beverage chain has been growing steadily in southwestern states. We have great food and fairly priced drinks but even our chefs know that what really puts asses in the seats is WOMEN and guys who want to meet them. The whole gun deal had us skittish but this sealed the deal
The "judge" refered to bad things happening, as if it was just a weather event and no one bore any responsibility for it. She refered to it as if it's "just one of those things" and no one can do anything about it.
BUT, SHE'S A "JUDGE". SHE'S responsible to do something about it. By her own philosophy, there's no point in punishing anybody under any circumstances, because you can't avoid crime, so why try?
And, as the victim said, the totally unaccountable "cop" would have just done the same thing to someone else, and THAT person could have been given the stern lecture about leaving her home.
This is beyond insane.
What does this say to tourists about the integrity of Arizona policemen and the willingness of Arizona judiciary to treat all criminals equally?
The fact that the perpetrator was a cop makes it even more necessary for their to be punishment - surely he knew what he was doing was illegal. Green light for cops in Arizona, visitors and everyone else beware.
Funny, it sounds EXACTLY like Judge Hatch is blaming the victim. Perhaps she didn't heed her mother's advice. Or, just perhaps, she just doesn't think that being sexually assaulted is that big a deal.
She is part of the problem in our judicial system.
Falling back on "what her mother said" instead of legal precedent is indicative of someone with a lazy attitude towards the law.
What right does Hatch have to lecture the victim? She committed no crime. The judge in essence said "if you go to bars, it's sexual predator free time."
The judge should not only apologize, but resign.
Blame the victim, it is so Republican. The "judge" is in effect saying that when a woman gets accosted, its her fault for being there, and its likely she was wearing a short skirt as well. What drunk male could resist the urge to fondle her genitals, they are so within reach? Obviously, this woman wanted her genitals fondled. Last I checked when any person ventures into the public, they have a right to expect to be safe in their person and possessions. The person entrusted for administering that protection was the person responsible for violating that trust? And the victim share the blame.
WTF?!
Clearly an example of someone being raised to their level of incompetence, Hatch only responds to her level of intellect which in this case is completely non-existent.
Who cares what her mother used to say. Her mother did not sit on the bench.
Apparently this woman was "asking for it" by virtue of going to a bar. I have to believe that the judge is unlikely to convict a rapist whenever one comes up on charges before her.
OK you started it, and I will ask: What was the color of the woman? I would not at all be surprised if she is black. This judge is despicable, and she should not be anywhere near a court room, let alone be on the bench.
She must be impeached. Let's start a petition.
The judge appears unaware that she was dealing with a convicted violent criminal (who I believe has had legal problems in the past).
Blaming the victim is absurd and the judge's actions in violation of any number of bar association ethical canons. She should not only be impeached, she should be disbarred. And perhaps required to spend some time dating Robb Gary Evans.
Note, I'm only sarcastically arguing with you. You're absolutely right.
Any criminal defense attorney worth his/her salt will tell you that when defending a man accused of rape you want to put as many women on the jury as possible. Women jurors tend to be much harder on a female complainant than men and a (see http://www.e-psychologist.org/index.iml?mdl=exam/show_article.mdl&Material_ID=72). There are a number of theories about why this happens; the most popular being that blaming the victim is a way of assuring themselves that the same thing could not happen to them. (The just world myth: bad things only happen to those looking for trouble).
No, I'm not a "rape apologist" nor am I defending the judge. The offending cop originally got the sentence he deserved. But feeling up someone and raping her while both forms of violating her person are not of the same magnitude.
Sexual predation in the form of groping happens to men, too, just as rape does--but it's easy to guess that you've never been groped. Lucky you.
Our culture hero worships the military. History shows anybody who's treated like a hero will feel immune from any reprecussions for his own actions.
The same behavior is rampant in college and professional sports. It doesn't help when women give these guys so much attention. It's a sickness of American society and I'm going to make damn sure my daughters aren't caught up in media generated definitions of "manhood" and "womanhood".
My Veteran Wife and Veteran Mother-in-Law never hesitated either, diving right in to stop stuff while the civilian "men" present just stood and watched.
I hope those you describe are as rare as I sensed in 20 years.
Potting soil-just potting soil.
Gee Rick I wonder how you would feel if a woman in a bar went up to you, unzipped your pants and groped you????
This is an attack on your person, and unbelievable humiliating. Even MORE so if it was witnessed by other guests, but infuriating under all circumstances.
I think only a man could make such a stupid comment as you just did
Ad that solves the problem how? We need an entirely new more equatable idea of relations between the sexes-our planet and human future depends on it.
Since this idiot judge had the nerve to blather: "If you wouldn't have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you," ... then the women of Arizona should stand together and say "You're right, we agree, bars ARE dangerous places, especially when we know our rights are not protected by courts such as those run by Ms. Hatch. In other words, if YOU weren't wearing that robe, we wouldn't be getting f**ked all over again... So from here on, all women will boycott all bars; there won't be a single (or married) female in ANY bar, until Ms. Hatch is removed from the bench..."
See how long it takes the merchants to call for her impeachment...
What a disgusting comment that was in disgusting language - pointlessly disgusting ... why can't you reply without namecalling and express your point calmly ... what are you, "disgusting" or something ?
you really fly off the handle or maybe you purposefully like to provoke people?
I did not mention that I think the cop should have the book thrown at him though.
Yeah ...... the hinterlands... quite unlike those paragons of justice and personal role models for every judge
that are now seated on the Supreme Court of The United States of America in full and thoroughly embarrassing view of the *entire* world.
You are not wrong, but we can all benefit by broadening our views a bit.
implicitly is she saying that society is too big and some places are too dangerous and cannot be policed or controlled by civilized people ?
This confused, incompetent, stupid judge is just such a woman.
Are such women self-hating?
http://www.change.org/petitions/arizona-supreme-court-judge-jacqueline-hatch-should-step-down-for-unjust-sex-abuse-case
http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2012/09/10/arizona-judge-jacqueline-hatch-apologizes-for-chiding-sex-abuse/
By the way it's either: "if you hadn't been there" or "Had you not been there". How did she get through law school? Or grammar school for that matter.
In the early 80s while spending 6 years in the middle east I happened to have a traffic accident in Jeddah SA. Peuguot taxi ran into back of Chevy truck at traffic light. Extensive damage. Religious police decided I was to blame and the costs were extensive.
Reason for my being to blame was because "had I not been in the country" the taxi could not have hit me. Seems maybe Arizona is going the way of Saudi Arabia.
For this judge (what a mis-use of the title) to blame the woman for 'being in the bar' just proves my point ...
America has become a joke of itself ...
else can, either, no women, that is.