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What Critics of Bernie Sanders' Climate Plan Are Missing Print
Written by <a href="index.php?option=com_comprofiler&task=userProfile&user=46576"><span class="small">Zoya Teirstein, Grist</span></a>   
Saturday, 16 November 2019 14:26

Teirstein writes: "Bernie Sander's $16 trillion climate plan, which he calls the Green New Deal, would transition the electricity and transportation sectors to renewable energy by 2030, allegedly create 240,000 jobs a year, and essentially nationalize the nation's power sector."

Sen. Bernie Sanders. (photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty)
Sen. Bernie Sanders. (photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty)


What Critics of Bernie Sanders' Climate Plan Are Missing

By Zoya Teirstein, Grist

16 November 19

 

ernie Sander’s $16 trillion climate plan, which he calls the Green New Deal, would transition the electricity and transportation sectors to renewable energy by 2030, allegedly create 240,000 jobs a year, and essentially nationalize the nation’s power sector. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and legions of climate activists have thrown their support behind the proposal, arguing the Vermont Senator is the only candidate in the primary whose climate ambitions are commensurate with the scale of the crisis. What’s not to love?

A lot, according to a bunch of climate scientists and energy economists interviewed by New York Times reporter Lisa Friedman. In a nutshell, those experts say the plan is “technically impractical, politically unfeasible, and possibly ineffective.” Friedman’s sources argue that Sanders’ resolute stance against building new nuclear projects would kneecap his ability to make the leap from fossil fuels to wind and solar. Then there’s the fact that many of the exciting projects he has planned for the American people, like high-speed rail and mass transit, require CO2-intensive resources to build.

The paper of record isn’t the first to question Sanders’ climate plan. “I find it very difficult to imagine that we can reach a completely decarbonized electricity and transport system by 2030, especially if we’re limiting our options exclusively to wind and solar, as well as geothermal,” Nader Sobhani, a climate policy associate at the think tank Niskanen Center, told InsideClimate News. In the Washington Post, columnist David Drehle wrote, “The wall is child’s play compared with the risible fantasy that Sanders has rolled out in lieu of an actual climate change strategy.”

Obviously, experts and pundits can and should criticize a policy proposal on its merits. But what Sanders’ critics miss is that even if it’s impractical or unfeasible, his Green New Deal still serves a political purpose. The plan moves the Overton window, the range of political ideas that the public considers acceptable or mainstream, several notches to the left.

In fact, Sanders has already moved the Overton window on climate. In 2016, Sander’s climate strategy centered around a carbon tax, an idea that his rival, Hilary Clinton, couldn’t even get behind. In 2019, a carbon tax is barely on the menu, not because it’s too ambitious, but because it’s not ambitious enough. The extraordinary evolution of our climate discourse over the past couple of years is, in part, thanks to the groundwork Sanders laid in 2016. (It’s also thanks to Green New Deal champion Ocasio-Cortez, who credits Sanders for inspiring her to run for Congress.)

Sanders has long been adept at shifting the Overton Window. In 2016, Clinton called talk of a single-payer system “a theoretical debate about some better idea that will never, ever come to pass.” Now, more than half of the crowded Democratic field supports some version of it. That’s in large part because Sanders started beating the Medicare-for-All drum on a national stage during his 2016 presidential run. Sanders has also influenced the national conversation around immigration, publicly funded higher education, and, yes, capitalism itself.

His $16 trillion climate plan may not be entirely feasible, but pulling his most serious competitors further left has always been well within Sanders’ grasp. At the end of the day, that may be the most indelible mark Sanders leaves on the 2020 race.

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Written by <a href="index.php?option=com_comprofiler&task=userProfile&user=20877"><span class="small">William Boardman, Reader Supported News</span></a>   
Saturday, 16 November 2019 12:14

Boardman writes: "One stark example of American exceptionalism is the nation's official pride in being the first and only country to drop atomic bombs on civilian targets. There was no Nuremberg tribunal for those 1945 war crimes."

'The jury verdict against the seven Kings Bay Plowshares protestors affirms the US government position that no one has any right to challenge the legality of US freedom to resort to nuclear annihilation.' (photo: The Ithaca Voice)
'The jury verdict against the seven Kings Bay Plowshares protestors affirms the US government position that no one has any right to challenge the legality of US freedom to resort to nuclear annihilation.' (photo: The Ithaca Voice)


Christians vs. Militarists – In Clash of Religions Over Nuclear War, Militarists Win

By William Boardman, Reader Supported News

16 November 19


It is one of the abiding principles of American Exceptionalism that Americans, no matter what they do, are exempt from the Nuremberg Principles or most any other aspect of international laws against war crimes or crimes against humanity. Or as the US recently made clear: as far as any allegations of US crimes are concerned, the International Criminal Court can go pound sand.


ne stark example of American exceptionalism is the nation’s official pride in being the first and only country to drop atomic bombs on civilian targets. There was no Nuremberg tribunal for those 1945 war crimes. The US has maintained ever since that it has the right to obliterate civilians with nuclear weapons any time it feels the need. In 2018, seven American peace activists nonviolently challenged this right to kill, invading a nuclear missile submarine base and defacing government property with religious objections. The US responded with the full force of federal law and charged them with multiple felonies carrying the threat of decades in jail. Their 2019 trial ended with the predictable affirmation of the US right to choose global omnicide and the predictable absence of widespread media coverage.

At the end of a four-day trial, a federal jury in Georgia had a chance to take a stand in defense of global safety from nuclear weapons. Instead the jury voted unanimously in favor of all 28 counts against seven defendants for committing symbolic property crimes in protest against the US willingness to hold the world hostage to the threat of nuclear war. The jury verdict against the seven Kings Bay Plowshares protestors affirms the US government position that no one has any right to challenge the legality of US freedom to resort to nuclear annihilation. That’s not the legal analysis, that’s just what happened in the US District Court for the Southern District of Georgia in Brunswick on October 24, 2019, at the end of a trial in which the government successfully prevented the defendants from presenting the actual defense of their actions.

The jury took less than two hours to reach all 28 separate verdicts on counts of conspiracy, destruction of Navy property, depredation of government property, and trespassing. In other words, the jury didn’t deliberate in any meaningful sense. Taking less than 4 minutes per count allows just about enough time to read each count, vote on each defendant, and check the government-approved box on the government verdict form like good, obedient patriots unwilling to entertain alternatives to US-approved thought.

The Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay is a 17,000 military facility surrounded by 26 miles of fencing. The Kings Bay base is home to eight of the most advanced US missile submarines. Each submarine is armed with a set of Trident II missiles carrying up to eight nuclear warheads with the destructive power of as much as 488 kilotons each. The bomb that destroyed Hiroshima was 14 kilotons, one thirty-fifth as powerful as one warhead. Each missile with eight warheads can carry 3,904 kilotons, enough for the equivalent of 278 Hiroshimas destroyed by one missile. Each submarine can carry 20 missiles with the capacity to create more than five thousand Hiroshimas. The US refers to these submarines as “its most survivable nuclear strike capability… [that is] vital to deterring a surprise nuclear attack on the United States of America.” The US would have you believe that these are defensive weapons, which is true. The US would have you believe that these are not offensive, first-strike weapons, which is false. All that is needed for them to be offensive weapons is for the US to use them first. US nuclear missile submarines are deployed at all times in unknown numbers around the world. The threat of an American first strike on any target is a permanent condition of contemporary life.

“Nuclear weapons are a cocked gun at the head of the planet” – that’s how Plowshares member Clare Therese Grady puts it. The US finger on the trigger is always there.

That reality – and the unacceptability – of the perpetual threat of a nuclear doomsday is what prompted the three women and four men of the Kings Bay Plowshares, all devout Catholics, to plan their symbolic action at the Kings Bay submarine base. At trial, the essential facts were not in dispute. On the 50th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., April 4-5, 2018, the Plowshares 7 had cut their way through the fence and entered three separate sections of the base, where they wrote scriptural graffiti, poured their own blood, and damaged a display of retired missiles that they considered a shrine to militarism. They also decorated the area with crime scene tape (the government insisted on calling it “caution tape”) and they used two cameras to record their peaceful actions. And they prayed. They were arrested without incident and base officials acknowledged that at no time did the protestors pose a threat to anyone.

In earlier legal proceedings a year before trial, the Plowshares had invoked the 1993 Religious Freedom Restoration Act in justification of their actions taken as acts of religious conscience. The law states that it “ensures that interests in religious freedom are protected,” based on the Constitution’s guarantee of the free exercise of religion. In 2014, the US Supreme Court noted that the law covers “any exercise of religion, whether or not compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief.” In the Hobby Lobby case, in which the court upheld the right of Christian retailers not to sell birth control, the court ruled that the law “prohibits the Federal Government from taking any action that substantially burdens the exercise of religion unless that action constitutes the least restrictive means of serving a compelling government interest.”

Federal judge Lisa Goodbey Wood did not rule on the defendants’ motion to dismiss under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act until October 18, 2019, a Friday three days before the trial started. Judge Wood also ruled that the Plowshares defendants could not use various defenses: justification, necessity, religious freedom, freedom of speech, or the illegality of nuclear weapons under international law or domestic law. Judge Wood does not offer a serious analysis of the questions but rather makes ex cathedra pronouncements without further support:

Defendants’ individual religious and moral beliefs concerning nuclear weapons and their beliefs about the illegality of nuclear weapons are not relevant to any of the essential elements of the offenses charged or any apparent affirmative defense that Defendants can assert at trial…. Defendants’ subjective beliefs about the illegality of nuclear weapons may be relevant background information, whether nuclear weapons are actually illegal under international or domestic law (a doubtful proposition) is not relevant or an appropriate issue to litigate in this case…. Defendants are precluded from asserting a defense based on the illegality of nuclear weapons…. Even if true, the Defendants’ belief that nuclear weapons are illegal is not a defense to the charges here.

That is not an ordinary judicial ruling. Judge Wood makes no legal argument (“a doubtful proposition” is not a legal argument, it’s just barely an off-the-cuff opinion). Judge Wood’s ruling is a political ruling. She is a US federal judge. The US government is absolutely opposed to any discussion, never mind litigation, of the question of the legality of nuclear weapons. By ruling out the defendants’ motives and context, Judge Wood rigs the trial from the start.

In an apparent effort to create the illusion of fairness, Judge Wood also rules:

Defendants’ subjective beliefs about religion and the immorality and illegality of nuclear weapons are relevant background information…. However, testimony and argument on these topics will be limited…. While there is some probative value to such background information, the probative value is low. To the extent testimony and argument on these topics creates the danger of unfair prejudice, confusing the issues, misleading the jury, undue delay, wasting time, or needlessly presenting cumulative evidence, and that danger outweighs the relatively low probative value of the background information, the Court will exclude such testimony or argument…. Therefore, Defendants should limit their testimony and argument about their subjective beliefs about religion and the immorality and illegality of nuclear weapons to only that which explains to the jury the context of Defendants’ actions.

This is hopelessly self-contradictory and meaningless as guidance. In fact, the judge kept a tight rein on the defendants during the trial and constantly reminded the jury that the defendants’ testimony was not factual and not relevant. The judge reinforced the jury’s evidentiary vacuum by also barring the three expert witnesses defendants had planned to call.

As a result, the jury had no opportunity to hear Professor Jeannine Hill Fletcher explain the Catholic tradition of conscience that informed the action of all of the defendants (Judge Wood having dismissed that tradition as “subjective beliefs”). In the Religious Freedom Restoration Act proceeding before a different judge, Professor Fletcher had testified at length in explaining the defendants’ religious motivation, explaining that each of the acts for which they were standing trial:

… trespassing onto military property, cutting a lock, cutting a fence, and spreading blood and paint on symbols of nuclear weapons – are in accordance with Catholic practice and Catholic faith….

The belief of the Defendants that nuclear weapons are immoral is, in fact, the teaching of the [Catholic] Church – not just when [those weapons] have been used in the past, not just the threat of their being used now, but the very possession of these weapons of mass destruction is immoral. The bases for this conclusion are the teachings of Pope John XXIII… and of Pope Francis (“The threat of their use as well as their very possession is to be firmly condemned”)….

In the history of the Catholic and the Christian tradition the prophetic role is one that often necessarily violates unjust laws in order to see those laws transformed….

The actions that the Defendants undertook were actions that were attempting to reveal our own idolatry in protecting that warhead. They cut the fence to break that symbolic hold of Trident over those of us who are kind of just going along our day and not even aware that that idol is so clearly in place…. Their prophetic call in that action was at the heart of the Christian Gospel…. The reality that the prophetic action reveals is a reality that some among us as human beings have made the claim that we can decide the future of the planet.… Nuclear weapons could destroy humanity as we know it, the earth as we know it.

Professor Fletcher had more to say, much more, none of it about “subjective beliefs,” all of it about the historical reality of centuries of Christian tradition. Judge Wood’s denial prevented the jury from hearing any of it from an authoritative source.

The judge also barred the jury from hearing expert testimony on the illegality of nuclear weapons under international or domestic law (“a doubtful proposition,” she wrote dismissively, without offering factual or legal support). Professor Francis A. Boyle teaches law at the University of Illinois in Champaign. He is an expert in international law and foreign policy and has qualified as an expert witness in courts in the US and abroad. He filed a draft declaration in the Plowshares case in July 2018 in which he argues in part:

… the current Administration at the Kings Bay Naval Station continues to plan, prepare and conspire for threat or use of many W-76 and W-76-1 nuclear warheads weapons, each capable of unleashing 100 kilotons of heat, blast, and radiation, and many of the W88/MK5 warheads which carry 455 kilotons of nuclear weapons. Any planning, preparation, conspiracy for threat or use of even one of these nuclear warheads was and is unlawful, that is illegal and criminal….

The London Charter (1945) establishing the Nuremberg Tribunal and the Nuremberg Judgment (1946) made it clear that those rules and principles preempt contrary domestic law…. The United States is bound as a party to each of these treaties. Because of the known and intended effects of the explosion of the nuclear warheads, each of these rules prohibits their planning, preparation, threat or use. In addition, any use of the warhead would also violate the international law of armed conflict by causing widespread, long-term and severe damage to our common environment and contaminating neutral states and violate the right to life and other non-derogable human rights….

Professor Boyle continues at length. He inveighs against the breakdown of US constitutional checks and balances that allows the president and the Pentagon to flout US responsibility to abide by the Laws of War. He underlines the failure of the Congress or the courts (this is another example) to force the executive branch to act within the laws that limit the methods and means of the threat or use of military force. He concludes that:

The US government flouts its responsibility to abide by the Laws of War, laws to which we are fundamentally bound. Under these circumstances, where redress within traditional channels is refused and ineffective, domestic criminal law coincides with the “Nuremberg Privilege”… to afford a justification for seeming violations of domestic criminal laws in an effort to prevent the war crimes outlined above.

… the charges brought against these Defendants in these circumstances must be dismissed.

The charges were not dismissed. Judge Wood prevented the jury from hearing any serious argument for any of the defendants’ legitimate defenses. The judge ran a very efficient kangaroo court. The jury, in its bubble of enforced ignorance, performed as the government intended, exercising no thought or independence in finding the defendants guilty as charged.

“Our country has a nuclear regime occupying us and most citizens don’t know about that,” said defendant Martha Hennessy after the trial. Hennessy is the granddaughter of Dorothy Day (1897-1980), the legendary activist who founded the Catholic Worker who is now under consideration for canonization as a saint. When Hennessy testified, she started to read Dorothy Day’s 1945 article about Hiroshima. Judge Wood would not allow it. Even though the prosecution was allowed to call it an “outrage” that the Plowshares protestors would deface the Kings Bay nuclear shrine, Judge Wood prohibited Hennessy from showing pictures of the dead at Hiroshima. As Hennessy has experienced it, the court decided its job was to protect nuclear weapons above all: “If nuclear weapons are beyond the reach of our courts then what purpose do our courts have?”

Hennessy and most of the other Plowshares 7 are currently released from prison. Father Steven Kelly remains locked up in protest. A sentencing hearing is expected in early 2020. The good news is that there’s no evidence of any kangaroos being hurt in this continuing miscarriage of justice. The only immediate victims are seven principled persons with the courage of their convictions and a belief in the rule of law. The rest of us are merely collateral damage.



William Boardman has been writing for Reader Supported News since 2012. A collection of his essays – EXCEPTIONAL: American Exceptionalism Takes Its Toll – was published in September 2019 and is available from Yorkland Publishing of Toronto.  He is a former Vermont assistant judge.

Reader Supported News is the Publication of Origin for this work. Permission to republish is freely granted with credit and a link back to Reader Supported News.

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FOCUS: Rudy Is Screwed Print
Written by <a href="index.php?option=com_comprofiler&task=userProfile&user=44994"><span class="small">Bess Levin, Vanity Fair</span></a>   
Saturday, 16 November 2019 11:53

Levin writes: "Last Saturday, Rudy Giuliani was spotted dining out at a Manhattan hotspot and loudly gabbing about his plans to start a podcast, like a man without a care in the world."

Rudy Giuliani. (photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Rudy Giuliani. (photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images)


Rudy Is Screwed

By Bess Levin, Vanity Fair

16 November 19


The president’s lawyer is now the subject of three different Ukraine investigations.

ast Saturday, Rudy Giuliani was spotted dining out at a Manhattan hotspot and loudly gabbing about his plans to start a podcast, like a man without a care in the world. And in fairness, it’s possible that, thanks to the brain decay the ex-mayor has clearly suffered, he thinks he has nothing to worry about. Other people in his position, though, would likely be more than a bit concerned about their future, given that, based on a new report, the president’s lawyer is now the subject of three different investigations.

According to Bloomberg, Giuliani is being investigated by federal prosecutors for potential campaign-finance violations and failure to register as a foreign agent, as “part of an active investigation into his financial dealings, according to three U.S. officials.” (Giuliani, his lawyers, and the White House did not respond to Bloomberg’s requests for comment.) The probe could also reportedly include possible charges for conspiracy or violating laws against bribing foreign officials.

Incidentally, that probe is on top of a counterintelligence investigation as well as a criminal investigation into Giuliani’s business relationship with Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, the two men who’ve been charged with conspiracy, falsification of records, and lying to the FEC about their political donations. (Parnas and Fruman have both pleaded not guilty.) Giuliani’s work with Parnas was reportedly related to a company called Fraud Guarantee, though in addition, Parnas and Fruman are said to have introduced Giuliani to “several current and former senior Ukrainian prosecutors to discuss” Joe Biden, and in July, Parnas accompanied Giuliani to a breakfast meeting with Kurt Volker, then the U.S. special representative for Ukraine, where Giuliani allegedly mentioned that he was looking into Biden and 2016 election interference, according to the Wall Street Journal. In the indictment of Parnas and Fruman, prosecutors claimed that Parnas sought the assistance of a U.S. congressman in “causing the U.S. Government to remove or recall the then-U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine.” That ambassador, Marie Yovanovitch, was subsequently removed from her post after Giuliani told Donald Trump that she was undermining him and obstructing efforts to investigate Biden.

On Wednesday a pair of government officials told the House Intelligence Committee that Giuliani had been carrying out a shadow campaign in Ukraine at Trump’s direction. “I believe he was looking to dig up political dirt against a potential rival in the next election cycle,” said George Kent, deputy assistant secretary of state in the European and Eurasian bureau. Bill Taylor, the acting U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, said that there was an “irregular policy channel” with Ukraine that was being “guided” by Giuliani. But hey, at least the ex-mayor still has the support of the president, right? Wellll:

Top House Republican sources tell Axios that one impeachment survival strategy will be to try to distance President Trump from any Ukraine quid pro quo, with Rudy Giuliani potentially going under the bus.

On Thursday, Giuliani told a reporter that he is not worried about any sort of bus-throwing scenario, “but I do have very, very good insurance, so if [Trump] does, all my hospital bills will be paid.” (Giuliani‘s attorney Mark Costello immediately interjected to insist his client was just “joking.”)

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Roger Stone's Crimes Print
Written by <a href="index.php?option=com_comprofiler&task=userProfile&user=51459"><span class="small">Jeffrey Toobin, The New Yorker</span></a>   
Saturday, 16 November 2019 09:33

Toobin writes: "Roger Stone is now a convicted felon, which is one honorific he had avoided during his decades of tumultuous public life."

Roger Stone. (photo: Mark Makela/Getty Images)
Roger Stone. (photo: Mark Makela/Getty Images)


Roger Stone's Crimes

By Jeffrey Toobin, The New Yorker

16 November 19

 

oger Stone is now a convicted felon, which is one honorific he had avoided during his decades of tumultuous public life. He was convicted on Friday of witness tampering and making false statements to the House Intelligence Committee, on an indictment obtained earlier this year by the office of the special counsel Robert Mueller. Stone has a tattoo on his back of Richard Nixon, his first political hero, and I suspect Stone is about to discover the difference between Nixon and the other President whose interests he has served, Donald Trump.

Through more than a decade of covering Stone, writing several stories about him, I’ve learned that government policy has never been a particular interest of his. “I’m a libertarian and a libertine,” he once told me, which seemed to sum up both his ideology and his life style pretty well. What interests him is the cacophony of politics—the struggle of one party, or one candidate, to crush another. He talked often about the concepts of toughness and loyalty, which are his highest values, and the ones he associates most closely with Nixon. Trump’s fortunes have always waxed and waned, but Stone has stayed loyal to him; Trump’s first flirtation with a Presidential run, in the late nineteen-eighties, was midwifed by Stone.

Stone’s troubles—and now his downfall—came about because he is, to put it charitably, a bullshit artist. He is a rare political figure who exaggerates his evil deeds rather than his good ones. When I first profiled him, in 2008, he claimed major roles in such varied scandals as the so-called Brooks Brothers riot, during the 2000 Florida recount, and the prostitution bust that brought down the New York State governor Eliot Spitzer, in 2008. (His role in both remains unclear.) It was this perverse kind of boastfulness that led to Mueller’s case against him.

Stone was a peripheral player in Trump’s 2016 campaign. Like so many people associated with Trump, he was publicly fired but remained a phone pal of the candidate. After his firing, Stone found his way back into the campaign’s inner circles thanks to his purported familiarity with WikiLeaks, which, in July, 2016, released thousands of e-mails that had been stolen from the Democratic National Committee. That kind of dirty trick was deeply appealing to Stone, and he tried to become a conduit between WikiLeaks and the campaign. Notably, as came out in the trial, he apparently had several conversations with Trump himself about the WikiLeaks disclosures—something Trump denied under oath, in his written answers to Mueller.

The lies for which Stone was convicted reveal his longing to be involved in the Trump campaign more than any real connection he might have had to it. He was asked by the House Intelligence Committee whether he had any e-mails regarding the hacked documents released by WikiLeaks. “Not to my knowledge,” he answered. In fact, he had exchanged dozens, if not hundreds, of e-mails about WikiLeaks, many with Randy Credico, an eccentric radio host and comedian in New York. Those e-mails showed Stone puffing about his connections to the group—which he exaggerated significantly. Still, his lie about the e-mails doomed him in court. Another lie involved his denial that he had tried to get more information from WikiLeaks. Clearly, Stone did try—but he failed to get the information he sought.

After Stone’s conviction, Trump released an indignant tweet complaining that Stone had been prosecuted though many of the President’s enemies had not. No one should expect that Stone, now facing the prospect of a prison sentence, will turn on Trump and provide incriminating evidence. That’s against the code by which Stone has lived his life; more important, Stone was so far outside Trump’s inner circle that it’s unlikely that he has much evidence to provide.

President Trump has also hinted that he will consider pardons for all of his associates who have been convicted or pleaded guilty as a result of the Russia investigation. This includes Paul Manafort, Trump’s onetime campaign chairman (and Stone’s onetime business partner). But Stone, as a veteran of Trump’s world, knows that loyalty is a one-way street for the President: Trump expects it but does not provide it. A pardon might impose a political cost on Trump, and he almost certainly won’t be willing to pay it, at least until he’s a lame duck. It’s a lonely feeling to be convicted by a jury, and Stone is likely to remain on his own—as least as far as the President is concerned—for the foreseeable future.

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What I'm Planning to Do This Winter Maybe Print
Written by <a href="index.php?option=com_comprofiler&task=userProfile&user=47905"><span class="small">Garrison Keillor, Garrison Keillor's Website</span></a>   
Friday, 15 November 2019 14:14

Keillor writes: "It turned cold and gray in Minnesota last week and snow fell, which some people talk about as being depressing, but it's not, it's reassuring."

Garrison Keillor. (photo: MPR)
Garrison Keillor. (photo: MPR)


What I'm Planning to Do This Winter Maybe

By Garrison Keillor, Garrison Keillor's Website

15 November 19

 

t turned cold and gray in Minnesota last week and snow fell, which some people talk about as being depressing, but it’s not, it’s reassuring. The talk is ritual complaint, an attempt by people living comfy lives to acquire the dignity of suffering. Genuine suffering is on its way sooner than you think. One day we’ll be hit by a winter heat wave like the one that melted half of Greenland and then our real troubles will begin. One day I’ll step off a curb and my legs will buckle and strangers will call 911 and I’ll be hauled unconscious to a crowded ER and when I awake, I won’t be able to remember the words to “Abide with me, fast falls the eventide” or “Minnesota, hats off to thee.” It’s out there, waiting to happen. Snow is nothing.

I went to see my favorite musical, “Fiddler on the Roof,” Friday night and compared to Tevye the dairyman whose horse is lame and his wife sharp-tongued, his daughters rebellious, and the czar is anti-Semitic, and the show ends with the heroes getting kicked out of town, my life is a gentle glide path. I had 18 aunts, most of whom felt I could do no wrong, so I grew up with a sense of superiority, and it was in the Forties before autism had been invented or any of the other syndromes and disabilities with the three initials, back when an oddball like me was assumed to be brilliant. And by the time they discovered what my problem is, I was a success and it was too late for treatment.

When winter comes along, I don’t long for white sand beaches and flamingos and palm trees. Paul Gauguin means nothing to me, I prefer snowscapes. I’m a Minnesotan. Heat makes me stupid. This has been proved over and over. I’ve gone to Key West and Santa Barbara in February and sat in a stupor as reading comprehension and critical judgment dropped to a vegetative level. I thrive when I’m bundled up against the cold and working on deadline and dealing with unreasonable antagonism, like the lady at Staples who told me that I must fill out a separate form for each of 23 identical packages I want to ship. She wanted me to fume and curse and glare and stamp my tiny foot and I refused to give her the satisfaction. I smiled, said “Thank you,” and walked away. This is the Minnesota way.

I’m no good at vacations. I’m a worker. I miss menial labor, the potato-picking I did back in my youth. We peasants trudged along, bent low, dropping the spuds into burlap bags that we half-filled and then left for the pickup truck to collect. You worked for three or four hours and you collected five or ten bucks and sat around drinking beer, smoking cigs, and talking about girls.

I went into the field of fiction and wrote books, for the prestige of it, I suppose, and then it paid well so I couldn’t afford to give it up, and it was an okay life, but a lonely one: there is no camaraderie among writers like what I remember from my days as a parking lot attendant. I was 18, I worked early mornings on a 10-acre gravel lot, no white lines, on a bluff over the Mississippi, wearing a white smock and white gloves and forcing willful drivers to park in straight lines exactly where I directed them. It was good for a free-thinker like me to learn the skills of fascist authoritarianism and bend others to my will, and when the lot was full, we attendants huddled in a shack with an electric heater and enjoyed the satisfaction of a job well done.

Instead of a sunny beach under the palm trees, I’d love a vacation at a work camp in northern Minnesota where an old man could park cars, drive a bus, or wait on table, three jobs that I think I could do very well. Let the snow fall and the wind blow, I’d be with other old men who find pleasure in usefulness. Our wives would be on Maui and we’d be in Bemidji, getting along very nicely, thank you. Before my legs buckle and I wind up forgetting the words to favorite songs, I intend to do this. First I need to explain it to my wife and then I’m all set.

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