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Excerpt: "The Rapture will usefully thin out the Republican field, which, since I assessed it in our current Comment, has already been culled by the departure of Trump and Huckabee. As of tomorrow, Palin, Bachmann, Santorum, and possibly Pawlenty (a Lutheran who attends an evangelical megachurch) will be out of the picture, having been bodily swooped up to Heaven (along with, redundantly, Huckabee)."

Hendrik Hertzberg explains how the Rapture will thin out the Republican field. (photo: wordpress)
Hendrik Hertzberg explains how the Rapture will thin out the Republican field. (photo: wordpress)

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+12 # Marita Abner 2011-05-21 11:13
This is pretty good!!
+19 # Linda 2011-05-21 11:38
Sadly I will wake up Sunday morning saying oh shit there still here !
+14 # billy bob 2011-05-21 12:56
Anybody you see Sunday morning will be among the damned, like the rest of us. They won't be able to act judgemental ever again. The ones who had that right, left today.
+8 # billy bob 2011-05-21 13:07
By the way, the might be some truth to all of this. It seems that their web site has been raptured.
+3 # KittatinyHawk 2011-05-22 19:00
Or ruptured?
+10 # Just An Observer 2011-05-21 12:03
The Rapture will sweep up Obama too since he's a Christian instead of a Moslem. That'll plunge the Demos into chaos for sure...LOL!

I'm voting for Zombie Lenin in 2012! Let's get an honest to goodness atheist Bolshevik in the White House this time!
+7 # futhark 2011-05-21 15:32
If you mean Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (1870-1924), I think may have a tough time producing the required birth certificate. Historians generally agree that Ulyanov was born in Simbirsk, a small city in the Russian Empire and so could not be considered a native-born American. Then there is the legal issue about whether or not a zombie can be elected or serve in public office... Maybe a zombified FDR would be a safer bet..., unless he, too, has been raptured!
+10 # Ken Hall 2011-05-21 21:27
Zombie's can so be elected! Remember Ronald Reagan? One of the walking undead, fer shur!
+6 # J.Lind 2011-05-21 12:15
And I had started to think "We'll never get a break"; just when I needed it most.

As for a replacemnet for a "dark Mare",
I offer...I think her name is Virginia Foxx...somewher e down below the Mason-Dixon Line.

A real dark horse fully terrifiying.
+24 # billy bob 2011-05-21 12:54
Look, it's as simple as this:

If you know any of these right-wing "Bible" thumpers, or if you live in Texas, MONDAY MORNING IS ONLY TWO DAYS AWAY.

If you see any of these people at work on Monday morning, kindly inform them that the "rapture" already happened and they've been "left behind" with the rest of us poor unworthy slobs. Now, it's time for them to stop acting holier than thou and get down to the business of acting like a decent citizen of a country founded on the separation of church and state.

Got that, "Bible" thumpers? The train already left the station and you MISSED IT.

I plan on getting a bumper sticker right away saying, "THE RAPTURE ALREADY HAPPENED. I GUESS YOU WEREN'T SAVED EITHER, HUH?"

Don't let them off the hook for this! When they say, "yeah, but, due to a miscalculation. ..blah, blah, blah", you simply reply that the "rapture" REALLY DID happen and they missed it.

Now, they can all spare the rest of us the attitude and HELP US DEAL WITH THE "TIME OF TRIBULATION" created by politicians THEY VOTED FOR.

+8 # metcalf 2011-05-21 14:54
Clean out your closet and place those unwanted outfits and shoes in a small pile in a public place. Let's make them think the 'good' people got raptured and they were left behind.
+8 # Dave W. 2011-05-21 16:39
billy bob, Nice job! The "Rapture" obviously was "ruptured" the first time some primitive ancestor of ours took a rock and bashed in the head of another fellow for the sole cause of desiring something NO.2 had. This of course is all predicated on the concept that there is a God at all. I, along with everyone else who's ever walked the planet, DON'T know this. I'd like to believe that SOME higher power with noble purpose exists and perhaps one does. But it is decidedly NOT the Christian, or for that matter, Muslim MYTH that has been perpetuated for centuries and has caused, and is causing mass bloodshed and protracted suffering. My guess is that the "ruptured rapturer's" will simply set a new future date and create some explanation as to how their God doesn't punch a time clock, nor own a wrist watch and merely "missed an appointment." In the meantime they will go on creating more "advanced" system's of inequities and finding even more inventive methods of interpreting "scripture" as a means of covering their sorry, debauched asses. I mean ask yourself. If YOU were God and took a look at what mankind had done to the "gift" you had so beneficently given, would YOU want to come back and take "home" the "disease" we've become. I can hear the "old man" right now. "Jesus Christ!...what the hell's wrong with those...people. "
+3 # d julien 2011-05-22 18:13
Good one! And for vegans, pass the non-hydrogenate d marge....
+2 # billy bob 2011-05-22 23:35
Vegan bible thumpers...

I'd like to meat one of those.
+8 # Peter G 2011-05-21 13:05
Are you sure about Santorum, Hendrik? Maybe I don't understand these folks' theology correctly, but would have thought Catholics like Rick were just as SOL as the Mormons.
+9 # billy bob 2011-05-21 14:16
I don't know how "Catholic" he is, but yes, all Catholics are "doomed" as well, according to Bible-thump-olo gism. In fact, Catholics don't even believe in the rapture.
+3 # KittatinyHawk 2011-05-22 19:07
Catholic and Republican send chills thru my body. Rick G has 7 kids that are confessed to. He was worthless as Senator and so goes the story in Pa with Toomey.
+6 # Dave W. 2011-05-21 16:19
Peter G, Santorum has 14 children I believe. He's obviously guilty of "littering" and should have been "neutered" long before any alleged rapture.
+11 # Bonnie Duke 2011-05-21 13:21
I wonder if any of them would leave me their Sunday coupon inserts?
+7 # Alturn 2011-05-21 14:36
The world is ending for many folks. The world of selfishness, greed, hypocrisy and separation is on its last legs. The ones most ingrained in these past patterns are experiencing the age-old concept of rapture - shaking and disturbance caused when higher, more pure light touches the coarse vehicles of those which sharing, love, cooperation and brotherhood are evil. As the head of the Masters, the World Teacher Maitreya, has already been appearing on television and plans to become more noticeable, there is much ahead to cause certain people's lower fires to be disturbed. It is extraordinary times and those holding firmly to the ways of the past most certainly will find raptures a common occurrence. For others who stay relaxed and maintain an open mind and love for others, the most wonderful and beautiful of times is ahead.
+16 # in deo veritas 2011-05-21 14:46
If the people you mention were taken away it wouldn't be going upward. Their mentor and master awaits them down below and has a special section reserved for them.
+5 # fredboy 2011-05-21 17:04
The religion nuts got their signals crossed--a guy named Jesus just won the Preakness...
+10 # unVet 2011-05-21 19:09
"Paul (follower of militant atheist Ayn Rand)"

I don't know how Mr. Hertzberg came up with this characterizatio n for Ron Paul. I guess if you don't have the time, or your too lazy to do some basic research, then just make something up.
+6 # Diane Johnson 2011-05-22 10:02
Quoting unVet:
"Paul (follower of militant atheist Ayn Rand)"

I don't know how Mr. Hertzberg came up with this characterization for Ron Paul. I guess if you don't have the time, or your too lazy to do some basic research, then just make something up.

Read " Atlas shrugged"... she makes heros out of the big industrialists who destroy civilization in order to avoid sharing their enormous wealth. She was an atheist, and womens libber. Her stance against ay and all regulations from their corrupt government is clear. sound familiar?
+5 # tckb 2011-05-21 22:21
How in the hell is Ron Paul a "follower" of militant atheist Ayn Rand?

For one, Ron Paul isn't militant in any way. Quite the opposite. He isn't even an atheist, so how in the world does he qualify as a "follower" of Ayn Rand?

Not only that, he has made it clear that he while he enjoyed some of Rand's novels, he is NOT, and never has been an objectivist.

Lame smear tactics.
+3 # billy bob 2011-05-22 23:43
He probably should have read a little bit more about her before he named his son after her. I once knew a guy who named his son "R2D2", but claimed he hated Star Wars. I guess he just liked the name.

Of course I'm joking. Paul is a big follower of Rand. The article didn't say HE was a militant anything. But SHE WAS a militant atheist.

If you take away the atheism, his entire philosophy is identical to hers. She lived quite a while ago, so I guess it seems natural to assume that he didn't come up with it on his own.
+6 # Linda 2011-05-22 07:58
Yup just as I figured its Sunday morning and everyone is still here !
Damn and I was so hoping to get rid of those pesky right wing fundy's.
+1 # VSweet 2011-05-22 18:13
Unfortunately, There are many False TEACHERS Producing False Messages to the world and making the Rapture seem like a JOKE! What a fool they made of themselves.

It will be interesting to see who will be in the Republican line up for the electoral primary this fall.
-1 # KittatinyHawk 2011-05-22 19:14
It is Sunday many went to a different place whether they wanted do or not.

There are excuses for time/date, blah, blah.

Unfortunatley we will have the unread, unwilling to read, and their worthless Bullies.

Good article, but I watched Nascar and didn't see Raceway audience disappear so....I figured would give leeway as we all know that Trains, Buses and Plains never leave on time. One could have only hoped, Fitzpatrick needed this one.
-4 # Nechasin 2011-05-22 20:43
Ron Paul believes in limited government.

He is a follower of Jesus Christ who also believed in limited government.

Why is Mr. Hertzberg attempting to smear him?
+2 # Dave W. 2011-05-23 11:01
Nechasin, Jesus Christ believed in limited government? I'm reasonably sure he believed in limited "Roman" government. Not to sure he'd be advocating spending 300 million dollars a day on military expenditures. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe he taught the rich should help the poor. Ron Paul wants to completely dismantle Federal income tax system. There will be a plethora of dead, dying, homeless and hungry people should that come to fruition. You think Jesus would vote for Ron Paul? I don't think so. What indeed may be "limited" is the written works of Ayn Rand in the library of Jesus. Assuming he exists and has a library of course.

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