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writing for godot

Trance Ending Imagination: My FAMILY May Be the Root of My Problems

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Saturday, 07 December 2013 17:55
I was in a major "TRANCE" involving my "FAMILY", where instead of (or in addition to?) belonging to myself, I was an extension of an illusion, a trance called "FAMILY". How could I be expected to even investigate the puzzle OF belonging to myself, if the entire concept of emerging INTO belonging is hardly ever taken into question?

I have only recently been somewhat able to see the illusion that "belonging" is, because I am EXPERIENCING close tr absolute "FAMILY" isolation. For instance, there has been only a facebook message or two between my older Brother, Frank, and I for years, and that is only messaging, because he refuses to even friend me!

However, many years ago, Frank volunteered some information to me. He said: "Barbara, you have enemies." I asked him who my enemies were, as this was news to me, even though I was aware that I had "stepped on toes", but I thought that my toe stepping could hardly be bad enough to generate actual ENEMIES. I got letters, yes plural, letters, BANNING me from academic organizations, for "making too many people uncomfortable", etc.I wondered if these were the ENEMIES Frank was speaking of.

When Frank refused to tell me who my enemies were, I rightly(?) assumed that HE was my enemy. So I began my amazing isolation adventure, trying to make lemonade out of lemons, by trying to STOP TAKING THE CONSTRUCTED CONCEPT OF FAMILY TOO SERIOUSLY.

I did this first, by seeing the comedy in the tragedy that was my family, in the first place. Then I pondereded if instead of, or in addition to, EVER HAVING a family, perhaos my family ALWAYS, and in every way, always HAD ME!

My first "family" performance was when I "entertained" a group of family relatives by asking for more COB ON THE CORN! They were so entertained by that surprising word reversal reversal, which I must admit was just as much a surprise to me when I uttered it unthinkingly, by mistake.

When my words made such an impression on others, I knew there had to be great substantive, or magical "power, etc., in them. I kept this memory of the impression words made, and only just recently realized that what I thought was MAGICAL POWER is, in reality, just using IMAGINATION!

I have finally, with the help of my newly resussitized imagination that was in a deep "COMA" for decades, began to free myself from family. Previously, and for so many years, I tried UNIMAGINATIVE strategies like oppositional defiance with all my immeadiate and extended biological and symbolical "families": teachers, any and all authority figures, etc.

I was always searching for "belonging" to myself. When I was 13 years old I recall asking for a book by Sigmund Freud. I seemed to have shocked the hometown libraria! The book I requested was "The Interpretation of Dreams". The Librarian was interested in diverting me to Nancy Drew Mysteries.

It took many years, and the help of philosophy, and Rutgers University, for me to extricate myself from the trance that my "family" was and still is, at times. But it is worth all the struggles, because I am able to entertain myself now, because I am a FAMILY to myself!
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