Written by Jack Clark   

Washington, D.C. … The Office of Surgeon General announced today the discovery, and naming, of a malady which for over two centuries has afflicted political conservatives. It has become apparent, that the 113th Congress, (specifically The Right-Leaning Republican and Tea-Party Members of the United States House of Representatives), contains a high percentage of members afflicted with the malady..

In a stunning announcement, the Attorney General, at a press conference this morning called the discovery “a breakthrough” in what he predicted will be a turnaround for all elected officials afflicted with the disease.

The disease, now officially entitled: “Cranial rectosis”. It has been found cranial rectosis develops quickly, and is exacerbated by the association with a kindred disease associated only with members of the right-leaning conservative groups, i.e., Republicans and Tea-Party members, (or Teapublicans). There is no known cure for the disease.

Cranial rectosis has been diagnosed as severe within the ranks of conservative members within the current Congress. Both houses are infected and affected by the disorder, but the House of Representatives is in a pandemic.

The Surgeon General described the visible symptoms of the malady to the White House Press Corps as an insertion of the entire cranium of the affected conservative congressional member within the rectal opening of that same person. These persons are easily identified, as they are much, much shorter in height than that of their fellow liberal associates and peers, and often bump into things while trying to locomote through the halls of congress, as their vision is greatly impaired, (in fact it’s non-existent), because of the malady.

However, the Surgeon General also announced a new surgical procedure called “Opto-Abdectomy”, which, while not a cure, will eliminate the problem of locomotion for the conservative members of congress so afflicted.

The new procedure calls for a removal of a 10 by 14 inch rectangular section of the afflicted persons’ abdomen, which is replaced with the same sized section of surgical Plexiglas. This procedure takes about four hours, but the successful surgery will result in the ability of the conservative congressional members to at least see where they are going with their heads up their ass.


Somewhere Press.
(satire)