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writing for godot

Fugue Romney

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Written by Steven Bridenbaugh   
Monday, 08 July 2013 16:49
---> I wrote this satire during the last election, but unfortunately the database at OpenSalon.com crashed completely, and our blogs were not available to read for much of the election season. However, judging from the plans the GOP is making for the next election, who knows, something like this might still be a possibility...

Fugue Romney

Think of this as a silent movie, with Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor playing in the background. Although this music is attributed to Bach, he probably didn't write it. Perhaps there was a factory that made organs somewhere in the Black Forest, and they hired a guy named Olaf to test the organs, after they were finished. Over the years, he became more and more creative. All the registers of the organ, high and low, evoke the majesty of the sacred trees, the passion of waterfalls, and Thor's thunder echoing in the mountains. Finally, a frail old oak of a man with white wires protruding from his spotted dome, he has a stoke at his last concert, and dies, his head resting on the keyboard, producing the final dissonance of the fugue. For years, the music he so carefully crafted is hidden away in a drawer in the factory. Finally, the manuscript is discovered, and they attribute it to Bach. The rest is history.

Tocatta

It is election day. People show up in droves to vote. Behind the scenes, computer programmers hack away at the network. Rednecks patrol polling booths carrying American flags and AK-47s. Televisions blare all night long. And the winner is: Romney!

For days, Republicans party at private wine tastings. For the next few months interns at Wall Street quietly seek abortions. The Dems mostly stay at home, except for a few riots in big cities. Windows smashed, merchandise stolen, that sort of thing. The media congratulates the police for keeping it all under control with the precise use of force.Wall Street stages a gigantic ticker tape parade. The next two weeks, they hold the same parade, all over again. A threepeat. Why three times? Well, one for Romney, one for Ryan, and one for Clint Eastwood, who has been credited for creating the winning momentum. Democratic commentators weep publicly. A Facebook page is created, called Wha the F-- Romney won! and several million people "like" it. It is banned.

A few Democrats call for an investigation of impropriety at the polls. Romney says that's the lowest thing that the Dems have ever have done. The media seems to agree. Who are these guys, to challenge the Bishop? Obama, in his last days of office, tries to appoint a new Supreme Court member, as Scalia is vacating. Congress does not approve.

Festival day. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, dressed in white, assembles for the Inaugural Ceremony. A beautiful woman, completely unknown before this event, sings a poetic song proclaiming that Romney is the Desire of Ages, and that Paradise on Earth is now a reality. She is later to become quite rich, doing commercials.

Romney gives a short speech, and is not seen again.

Fugue

Romney, two days later, eats too much strawberry ice cream, has a heart attack, and dies. The nation is stunned. In Waco, Texas, typical of many small towns, a statue is erected. Waco's is over fifty feet tall, a record.

Ryan goes immediately to work. He appoints Karl Rove to be the Secretary of State. He instructs Congress to immediately work on tax reform, according to the late Romney's instructions. Congress passes this, after jailing Democrats who are found to be in contempt of Congress by excessive filibustering. A twenty percent cut, all around the board. Congress quietly loots the Social Security fund to cover the costs of government. When this dries up, Social Security is repealed. As if by magic, it is announced that half the National debt has been eliminated. This is attributed to austerity measures.

A madman, claiming be the Archangel Moroni, appears in Salt Lake City. He climbs to the top of a spire, where he is shot by a police sniper. He dies, but strangely, his body bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ashes. It is not possible to identify the body. Scientists speculate about how this was done.

In Canada, laws are enacted to prevent Americans from immigrating. Mexico elects a man tied to a drug cartel to the office of Presidente. He is immediately assassinated. All the national parks are sold to major corporations. Israel attacks Iran with an atomic bomb. The Pope visits Washington.

Ryan makes the most important speech of his career, on national television. He appears in front of a fireplace, with his cat, affectionately named Mittens. He convinces the American people that now is the time to set our own house in order, and that we can look forward to a stable economy.

Link: I kid you not, Dmitriev plays this masterpiece, but on an accordion!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=1VVFu8GQyWw
Link: From Tamim Ansary's Blog, about Romney's business "pranks":
http://mirtamimansary.com/romneys-pranks/
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