My Life as an Influencer

“It must be terrific having that kind of say,

And watching fads tumble and poli-polls sway,

Fanzines hanging on your every last word,

Weighing your syllables with concern quite absurd,

Yes, Phil, you must have a wonderful life,

Being an influencer and playing your fife.”

I’ll bet I must hear those words ten times a day,

But the ignorance, the bliss, the bald naiveté!

From the kids, the pols, from L.A. and back,

From folks my thumbs-down would give heart attack!

Little do they know, and if so would forget,

How hard is my work guiding man by the Net.

I’m up at the crack and purveying my tweets,

Dealing out disses and occasional treats,

Trashing Beyoncé, understanding Jay Z,

’Cause guys stick together through thick and ha-zy,

And those knee-boots B. wore at that last event:

Unworthy of Gaga, much less Fifty Cent!

Barack checks in, a-politicking I go,

Advise him big cash and ex-prezzing bring woe:

“Keep raking it in like nobody will care,

And in the same boat will you wind up with Blair.”

Chastened, he asks about the next year of Cool,

I whisper Pet Rocks and bow ties of old school.

Yes, Pet Rocks are back ’cause I’ve signed a deal,

To give them a nod and occasional squeal,

And urge my sophistics to buy ’em at Ruck’s,

“Where killer high class can be bought for five bucks.”

They believe no celeb, just true sincerity,

Instead of chic stars, real-life successity.

Oh, it’s lovely to influence my fellow man,

Be his role model on the DIY plan,

The money rolls in but what gives the true buzz,

Is cutting the pie ’tween what’s cool and what was,

Making the point about this life’s reality:

What’s right and what’s good are what have virality.