Written by John Streamas   

1) Pepper spray was originally designed
a. As a low-fat topping for salads
b. As a tropical aphrodisiac
c. As an eyewash for elderly protestors

2) Most instruction in crowd control techniques recommend that
a. Billy clubs and pepper spray be hidden unless crowds become violent
b. Police officers refrain from conversations with protestors
c. Cops refrain from shouting “Remember Kent State!”

3. A little-known fact about pepper spray:
a. It deodorizes running shoes
b. It is a common door prize at bad fraternity parties
c. It comes in both jalapeno and habanero flavors

4. Why do hunters pack pepper spray for weekend trips?
a. It is a surefire repellent during bear attacks
b. It reliably douses small wildfires
c. It discourages fellow hunters who get too “cozy” in the tent

5. Who invented pepper spray?
a. Thomas Edison
b. George Washington Carver
c. A feral cat named Pepper, who marked everything

6. What is the most common military use for pepper spray?
a. As the first tool of interrogation of new prisoners
b. As a diversionary tactic, creating “pepper clouds” while soldiers retreat
c. As a “treatment of last resort” for newly contracted STDs

7. How does the law regard pepper spray?
a. As a non-invasive defensive tool, not a weapon
b. As a non-lethal, non-toxic weapon
c. As the “thin yellow line” between the 99% and the 1%

8. What are the economics of pepper spray?
a. Nike is building sweatshops in which migrant children will mass-produce it
b. The Pentagon is pouring billions into development of a genetically modified pepper spray that will not only induce extreme tearing but will even change eye-color
c. Steve Jobs bequeathed millions toward development of a pepper spray that can be accurately aimed, with a carbon stylus, from a distance of ten miles

9. When and where was pepper spray first used against crowds?
a. During the San Francisco dockworkers’ strikes of the 1930s
b. During the civil rights marches of the 1960s
c. During Bernie Madoff’s family reunion

10. What is the future for pepper spray?
a. It will convince climate-change deniers that there is truly intelligent design
b. Herman Cain will recommend it as a pizza topping
c. University of California chancellors will raise tuitions to pay for more pepper spray

John Streamas
Pullman, Washington