Written by Victoria Dilliott   

Susan Patton on Hunting for a Husband: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303496804579369420198599600

It's unfortunate that Ms. Patton (who is probably Mrs. Patton) wasn't more careful with her language in this article, because I think her intention has merit. But unfortunately, women my age (around 30) were raised to insist on their independence and encouraged to put our own education and other needs first. So when people like me read a tagline that says "Young women in college need to smarten up and start husband-hunting," don't be surprised when we splutter and rage.

Which is too bad. Because in truth, Ms. Patton has a point. Education can happen at any time in your life; child-bearing cannot. If that's up there on your list of things you want to have happen before you die, then finding a suitable mate probably should be fairly high on your list.

I think part of the knee-jerk outrage over this article is her use of the term 'husband-hunting'. This sounds so terribly 1950's, when women didn't have other options, and the important thing to do was snag a husband that would provide for you. I hope that's not what Ms. Patton meant. In this day and age, a husband is neither a meal ticket nor just a sperm donor. Ideally, each of us chooses a mate because it's someone we want to share our life with. We have dreams, and we've found someone to help us accomplish them. You're looking down the road and realizing that Team Us can get farther than Team Me. And there is nothing wrong with that. In truth, if that's your attitude, you almost can't go wrong with looking early for your husband/wife/partner.

I say almost because I do think it's important to get out there and play the field a little, get to know what you like, what you don't like, and what's important to you BEFORE you settle down with someone. Go ahead, date those bad boys and gorgeous but high maintenance girls--you'll learn really fast that that is NOT what you want in a long-term partner. Everybody is different, but I know I definitely shouldn't have married my boyfriend when I was 21. Thankfully he didn't ask, since I probably would have said yes, because I hadn't dated many guys before him and didn't realize what else I wanted in a relationship. Instead, I married at 26, and I had dated this guy for a lot less time than previous boyfriends--but by then, I knew what I wanted and more importantly, I knew that I'd found it.

Ms. Patton's other unfortunate angle on this point is that if you wait til you're in your 30s to start looking for a man, you're going to be competing with younger (and therefore prettier, I guess?) women for the same group of ideal men. I suppose I see her point, but I do find it a little offensive. Just because you're older doesn't make you less attractive. Especially given MY point, which is that your partner for life will be more interested in who you are and what you think about than what you look like. You're not likely to be seeking long-term commitment from across the bar--which is the kind of situation where a barely-dressed-20-something might have the edge over your slightly more sensible ensemble. If you're looking for a one night stand, then yeah, you should do that when you're younger. But I heartily disagree that you should look for a husband when you're only 21 or 22. Have some fun, fully selfish time before you sign that marriage contract.

Now, here's the big thing I suspect upset a lot of women--Ms. Patton might be implying that you need to buckle down to being a wife and mother to the exclusion of your other titles (student/employee/achiever). She doesn't say it, and I really hope she doesn't mean it, because that's another spot where I need to put my foot down. Just because you're marrying someone does not mean you have to put your own life on hold. If that's how the relationship feels, then you're marrying the wrong person! Instead, you should be excited to team up with someone who's going to work with you to pursue mutual goals. You shouldn't always put your mate's needs ahead of yours, and they shouldn't either! There's happy middle ground there, because there are few things in life that can give you more pleasure than pleasantly surprising someone you love, and getting support when and where you need it in return.

That is something worth looking for--at any age.