I know what I was truly afraid of when I was growing up: ambiguity! I used to hate any and all surprizes, all unpredictable events were negative until recently.

I still experience symptoms called "the startle effect". Unexpected, loud noises, or even loud voices, still make me "jump". I often "see" myself in a virtually retroactive sense, almost like a "flashback" whenever I see any injustice, bullying,etc. It was, for a time, almost overwhelming to me, because I see what others take to be normal civility as bullying. It is, I'm sure, going to be said that I just have what is known as a "thin skin". I have heard it many times that "You need to toughen up", "Why do you let things bother you?" "That is just the way things are", "That is the way it is meant to be", and so on.

I have begun to see SO much incivility that even being in public requires me to be supermotivated, because I much prefer to be at home alone and write. I believe I may be hyper vigilant due to a dysfunctional childhood, adolescence and and early to middle adulthood! I am beginning to "grow" that thicker skin, but instead of being IMPERVIOUS to what I see as symbolic and/or actual violence, I now often want to try out my new found "skills" and I am still trying to use these "skills" appropriately.

However, I would do it all again, the same way, because my experiences have finally resulted in a real paradigm shift. Now I have begun to understand that my sensitivity has helped me and will, I hope, continue to help me gather in more and more information, which information, in turn helps me to experience an almost UNIVERSAL EMPATHY OF AMBIGUITY.

Because of my past, I relate extremely intensely to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Whereas most MDs, etc., would PATHOLOGIZE this sensitivity and call it adult ADD, I prefer to consider it an AAF or Attention on Ambiguity Fear! Instead of being fearful of anything that is ambiguous, I see an opportunity for creativity and innovation and often, if I am lucky and disciplined enough, HUMOR! Maybe the revolutionary, Immortal Technique sings it best in "Caught In a Hustle":

Write it down and remember that we never gave in.
The mind of a child is where the revolution begins.
So if the solution has never been to look in youeself,
How is it that you expect to find it anywhere else?