At 66 years old, I found out that I have a disability called Executive Function Disorder, or EFD! This disorder is probably the closest I will ever get to BE an executive, a CEO! This disorder, this Executive Function Disorder or EFD, as it is abbreviated as a diagnosis, is a real disorder! It's even an established diagnosis in the medical diagnostic "Bible" called the "DSM V". (The DSM V stands for the Diagnostic (D) and Statistical(S) Manual (M) that medical doctors and pysychologists, etc., use to CATEGORIZE, everyone's illnesses except their own!

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual or the DSM has had many revisions. For instance, homosexuality used to be diagnosed and considered mental illness until gays and LGBT's made lots of money. Now most LGBT's have so much influence, their previously diagnosed mental illness has become magically reinterpreted (re-historicized, etc.,) now as artistic performance functionality! Unless, that is, you are a gay, etc., that is poor, Then you are just re-diagnosed as a psychopath or sociopath!

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, or the DSM, has been around so long that it has successive ROMAN NUMERALS each time it is updated, and it is now up to DSM "V", the roman numeral for 5, (five). You must respect the DSM "V" because the Roman Numeral "V" is so impressive! lol

Anyway, because I have Executive Function Disorder or EFD, I'm unable to plan and organize, something about frontal lobe (nerve) damage, so I need to pay to employ, etc., a personal assistant to handle everything, I need a personal assistant to handle my whole life for me. You see I have difficulty handling my life due to Executive Function Disorder or EFD, and also because I have small hands, also maybe due to the fetal Alcohol Syndrome of FAS! Talk about handicaps!

I have proof that I have Executive Function Disorder or EFD. My Mom drank a lot when she was pregnant with me, so in addition to everything else, I have FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME! That must be why I have a BABY FACE! lol I was even told that I will be able to avoid EVER having plastic surgery! Good thing too, because I'm broke due to needing to pay for an around the clock personal assistant!(I should sing "Baby Face here: "Baby face, I've got the cutest little baby face. There isn't anyone could take my place, baby face, I got my heat thumping, I really started something.Baby face, I'm crazy about my cute little baby face, I love me so and I won't let me go, cause I love my Baby face...")

Hey! how appropriate it is that I am a BABY BOOMER, too! I'm even a "Late Bloomer, Baby Boomer"! In fact I'm soooo late in blooming, I may ALREADY BE dead!. But this BABY has had so MANY experiences, so many baby lifetimes, so many baby existences, so many baby experiences to reflect upon, that even WHEN this baby IS dead, this baby will STILL be busy reflecting retroactively and maybe even subliminally, in some alternative consciousness universe some where that transcends time and space! Now that's some heavy reflecting!

Anyway, people take me for immature. They say "It's always all about
you BARBARA". But instead of it being my fault, I'm a baby by DEFAULT! It's "DE" FAULT OF "DE" EFD! So this BABY BOOMER BABY just entertains my BABY BOOMER SELF! If you readers, etc., laugh, that's just "gravy"! LOOK! I CAN entertain me because I HAVE a ME TO ENTERTAIN! I used to TRY to have an IDENTITY to perform with,instead of an experience to BE with. I USED to RELY on my gender, my race, my ethnicity, my class, my religion, etc. But NOW, thanks to my EFD, I have my BABY SELF, (visualize me in a baby diaper! lol) My BABY self! Now that's a REAL "selfie", too!

This "baby" is free from (most) planning and organization. I have an exemption, I have EFD, so I'm free from EXTERNAL JUDGMENTS! I'm even free from INTERNAL judgments. Good thing I am free from family, too, or my family would probably do a Dr. Phil/Judge Judy type bullying intervention and LOCK ME UP UP in a mental institution. and force me to undergo electro convulsive shock therapy or ECT, and convince doctors, etc., that I'm senile, suffering from Alzheimer Syndrome, etc!

But instead of it being that I have Alzheimer Syndrome and/or dementia, etc., I have PRESENTNESS DIMENSIONALITY, I want to PLAY in the PRESENT, and BE A PRESENT TO AND WITH MYSELF! It's Executive Function Disorder or EFD, and all I need to function is a 24 hour personal assistant, spokesperson,etc.,

Lately, I have been wondering if there is REALLY anything wrong with even being HEBEPHRENIC! The 1 % get a "pass" on doing everything and anything that they want to do, because their money, fame, and power, pays for IMMUNITY from all judgment and from all responsibilty. BUT, IF you are without excessive money, fame, and power, you will bring extreme scrutiny upon yourself if you dare to be the slightest bit "hebephrenic', or if you dare to be AUTHENTIC, even!

I know this from experience, because I have been banned from speaking at academic conferences because I have been labelled as "disruptive"! So I am an academic outcast, an academic squatter! But now, since I found hormones, instead of, or in addition to having abstract meaning involving trying to make the world a kinder, gentler place and fighting social bullies like Don Quixote "slaying" windmills, I can now, at least sometimes, play instead of struggle! I have finally released myself from IDENTITY PRISON! Instead of feeling the social pressure to JUSTY MY EXISTENCE, instead of feeling defensive any more, instead of having to conform to the social pressures, the social indocrination to be a "mature" PERFORMER, I now PERFORM (mostly) only for me, though I have been known to OCCASIONALLY perform for open mic comedy club audiences, storytelling audiences, readers, students , etc.

Before I knew I had Executive Function Disorder or EFD, I used to let my gender, my class,( or my absence of same. i.e., my "Lace Curtain Irish = aristocratic white trash upbringing!) my religion (my religion was GUILT, AKA Catholicism) PERFORM FOR ME, in place of me performing, and/or experiencing anything for, and with, myself. These social constructs, these various identities used to VIRTUALLY AND VICARIOUSLY, PERFORM my life FOR me and IN PLACE OF ME PERFORMING FOR AND WITH MYSELF! But now, instead of a PERFORMANCE I'm now, at least sometimes, an EXPERIENCE TO MYSELF!

Regarding frontal lobes: perhaps small or completely missing frontal lobes, the function of which frontal lobes may still be controversial. Perhaps even the function of frontal lobes itself may be somewhat mysterious, even unknown. Yet I intuitively believe I have Executive Function Disorder, or it HAS me. Also, I have small hands! I always thought I had a small head, too! ( Hair perms
help make me look like I have a normal size skull and more hair, too, though!) I believed that I had a smaller than normal size skull. Now I regret having plasic surgery to reduce the size of my noze! It turns out that I should have used the proprtional size of my original nose and asked for a larger skull transplant! Perhaps then I would be free from feeling that my nose is cold much of the time, due to damage to nerve endings as a result of the rhinoplasty.

My lack of self esteem most likely began when my Mom took revenge on me. She must have believed that I INTENTIONALLY scratched her eye when I was an infant. She often told me that I scratched her eye, when she was reading to me. Well, I say, retroactively, to "her"(because she is deceased since 2000: "It's your fault Mom, you needed to clip my BABY nails!. I was probably just innocently wanting to grab the beautiful sky blue color in her eyes! So my mom, instead of blaming, where blame was due, continued piling on resentments and regrets.

Then my older brother, Francis, chimed in, too. He called me a pin head, he used my head for drum practice, hitting me on my head with his drumsticks. And my grandmother, a dressmaker, always had a tape measure, almost like a tapeworm attached to her, would measure my head the first thing, whenever we visited her. So I thought I must be a freak with a tiny head and then I put pin head and the excessive head measuring together, and this formed the reason my mother always said she wished she never had me. Now, though, I do a "Ground Hog Day" re-do/un-do of my childhood and I virtually "talk back", because my Mom is deceased. It's as if those negative memories are erased from my consciousness. For instance, when my Mom says: "I wish I never had you", I say back: "But Mom, instead of having ME, I had you"!

Anyway, I wish I had learned about Executive Function Disorder or EFD, like 30 years ago when I was about 36, (I'm 66 now). But even learning about it late, I'm still grateful I learned about it before I am diagnosed as having alzheimers! I'm old! It feels like I'm at least 104! It feels like I've lived for a THOUSAND years, and it feels like I've had a thousand careers! So I'm SOOOO tired! I just want to SLEEP. Sleep is my drug of choice!

I love to sleep so much that I may be in my bedroom at home sleeping RIGHT NOW! Maybe I am dreaming that I am writing this or maybe a hologram is writing this! (I often feel like breaking out in song at times like this singing to the melody of the classic tune of the 60's "The Lion Sleeps Tonite" by The Tokens, known as the "A Weem O Wepp Song": "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight..." I would change it to : "In her bedroom, her quiet bedroom, Barbara sleeps day and night. In her bedroom, her quiet bedroom, Barbra sleeps till the urge to write. A weem o wepp, a weem o wep, a weem o wepp..."

Hope some readers remember the 60's! But you're probably mostly gen x-ers, millenials, etc., reading this, but I'm a baby boomer and I'm a late bloomer baby boomer, and I'm so late in blooming, I may ALREADY BE dead! Dead OR alive, though, I am serious, soooo serious about comedy! I'm ABSOLUTELY serious about satire and comedy. I just want to PLAY all the time and I want to PLAY (and even write) ABSOLUTELY WITH (and to) MYSELF! So I always try to be ABSOLUTELY FUNNY, if only to myself!

I ask myself: what good is being only relatively, comparatively funny/satirical? There may always be somebody funnier, somebody, wiser, somebody, younger, prettier, richer, poorer, etc. I have
zero relatives, anyway. I have zero, family, too, so I can BE an ABSOLUTE family of one TO MYSELF! Anyway, I kind of HAVE to be a family to myself, I have to KIND OF "give" birth, or re-birth to myself!.

For instance, my older brother told me years ago (he refuses to even give me his phone number, now) "Barbara, you have enemies!" When I asked him to tell me who these enemies were, he refused, so I guess that HE is my enemy! He also said to me "People DIE around you,Barbara!" He enjoyed, I believe, lumping together how our dad died in 1986, and my mom in 2000, and my boyfriend of 16 years in 2005, and our Aunt Eileen in 2007. So I ask myself why SHOULD I settle for relatively funny, relatively satirical, comparatively funny, satirical even competitively funny, satirical to others, when
I can be ABSOLUTELY funny, if only to myself?

My isolation from my family may be changing now, though. As a result of learning about Executive Function disorder or EFD, among other things, I am now able to communicate better with family and friends, etc., Maybe I am even writing better too?