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writing for godot

The Closest I Get to Being an Executive is That I May Have Executive Function Disorder, or the Disorder Has ME!

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Friday, 30 May 2014 03:21
I may have found the answer to why my life seems to be so difficult. It may be a combination of things, though. I always felt as though I must be handicapped. Mainly I thought my handicap was having small hands. lol From the very earliest age I wondered why my rib cage stuck out on one side. When I asked my mother why that was, she told me to be grateful that I could breathe! Then when I was older I was told that i had scoliosis, and that it may have been from a slight case of polio when I was a child growing up in the 1950's.

I had such a hard time getting along with others, when I was very young. All I did was cry. I cried so much that I earned the nick name "crybaby"! My mother told me often that she wished she never had me. I had night mares, or night terrors from fear that my mother was going to terrorise me. For instance, she would come into my bedroom and throw everything on my bed, and or on the floor, if anything wass out of order in my room. I was unable to be neat.

My mother made all of us kids (two brothers, one older and one younger) sleep with our arms up so she could see where our hands were at all times at night.(I later realized this was because she was so repressed that she though self stimulation was equivalent to daemonic possession). I even pulled my hair out in high school, as a way to ease the tension I felt.

Even alcohol would only provide temporary numbness throughout my life. However, I just recently read about a man having tremendous life difficulties. I totally , well except for gender, identified with him. He seemed to be writing about my life. He said he had been diagnosed with EFD: Executive Function Disorder. He needed help to do almost anything. He needed a kind of "front person", a personal assistant, etc., because his frontal lobes were damaged to such a degree that it was impossible for him to plan or organize.

All my life I thought that I was a victim of bullies, and it turns out that perhaps, due to zero fault of my own, (perhaps due of my mother using excessive alcohol and that causing fetal alcohol syndrom) I was born with damage to my frontal lobes causing Executive Function Disorder. As a matter of fact, further proof that I am affected with fetal alcohol syndome is that I have a "baby face" so in addition to being infantile in my emotional development, I look like a baby, too! (I was told I would be able to avoid even needing plastic surgery, though)lol

So now I just need to find a front person, a spokesperson, a permanent personal assistant to "be" my frontal lobes. Then I can work on my constant, well almost, lol, startle effect (I am extremely nervous and jumpy ) that is attributed to PTSD! The problem is that I need to pay for someone to work for me as a personal assistant, and I keep getting fired! lol What do you think of my latest analysis of my problems? Is EFD (Executive Function Disorder a better explanation than my former "explanations" to myself for why I have so many "life difficulties: namely, that writing a lot about going public with my past as a sex worker for 3 months back in 1986, has cause havoc in my chosen field of academia?
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