Written by Todd Telford   

SCENE: Two network anchors, female and male, sit side by side. Another man sits off to the left, awaiting his interview.

Avent Gotaclu: This is Avent Gotaclu

Aaron B. Tweenthiers: And I’m Aaron B. Tweenthiers. This is Pox News.

While most pundits have claimed the spike in oil prices over the last few years was solely the result of futures speculation, it was revealed today that Exxon/Mobil, along with the world's other primary oil producers, have amassed this extra revenue to combat one of the great challenges that our planet faces.

Avent: These Big Oil titans have joined together to form the largest construction company in history, a bold amalgamation created to address a specific infrastructure need. This new entity is called Humanitarian Oil Producers Engineering Levee Erection Systems for Society, or HOPELESS.

Aaron: For only a small piece of each country's gross domestic product, HOPELESS will provide the gift of life, specifically not drowning. In regions where levees aren't practical such as Calcutta, India, HOPELESS will be creating new, compressed cities further inland for the refuge - er - inwardly mobil masses called "community camps."

Avent: HOPELESS also now has a subsidiary that is the world's largest manufacturer of cots.

Aaron: Another huge project that HOPELESS will start almost immediately is to add 70 feet in height to offshore oil rigs, thereby preserving the steady supply of our planet's most precious fluid. All in all, HOPELESS expects to bring 4.8 million new jobs to America alone, and another 400 million worldwide.

Avent: Joining us today is the Director of Euphemistic Dissemination for HOPELESS, A. Justin Mynze. Thank you for coming, Mr. Mynze.

Mr. Mynze: It's a pleasure to be here.

Avent: So what exactly created this urgent need for levees?

Mr. Mynze: Our scientists discovered an astonishingly universal trend of continental sinkage. Something in the earth's mantel is compressing. We don't know what, but it's happening pretty quickly.

Aaron: I'm confused. Don't you have a project just announced to raise the height of oil rigs? Wouldn't that imply that-

Mr. Mynze: No, there's no connection there, believe me. We've found that it's better to raise up the heliport platforms so choppers don't kick up sea spray and toss it in everybody's eyes. That can be unbearably annoying.

Avent: I see. So tell my about your levee project.

Mr. Mynze: Yes, we're very excited about it. We'll be building more than 61,000 miles of levees over a span of just eight years.

Avent: So how tall will these levees be?

Mr. Mynze: About 70 feet.

Aaron: Isn't that the same height that you're raising your oil rigs by?

Mr. Mynze: Just a happy coincidence.

Aaron: What about all the people with beachfront property? Suddenly their view is going to be just a big dark wall, right?

Mr. Mynze: Actually, we've anticipated that concern and created a product called Magic Mirror. For a modest fee we'll erect a scaffolding that's about 80 feet tall just outside each house, on the side facing the ocean. Attached to it we'll place mirrors outside all the windows at a 45-degree angle pointing upwards, then at the top we'll have mirrors at a 45 facing downward. So sitting on the couch, you'll still be looking out at the ocean.

Avent: So this is part of the HOPELESS project?

Mr. Mynze: Not exactly. We've formed an exciting alliance. This new company is called Wal-Smart.

Avent: What other ancillary companies will be part of the HOPELESS family?

Mr. Mynze: Of course we've invested heavily in moving companies. We've also partnered with our friends in the banking industry. It just so happens they hold the title to lots of inland properties, and believe me, those property values are going to skyrocket as much as 300 percent in the coming years.

Aaron: Do you think that you'll be able to erect all the levees in time?

Mr. Mynze: For the most part. We've discovered that the sinkage is greatest along the blue states on the Eastern Seaboard and they can't be saved.

Aaron: Blue states?

Mr. Mynze: I'm sorry, Northeast states. As we all know, continental sinkage is all part of God's grand plan. I'm afraid that all the evil in New York City has finally caught up with the Big Apple. And nobody does vengeance like God. The surrounding states are merely collateral damage.

Avent: Well, speaking for a grateful nation, thank you for stepping up in our time of need. And thank you for coming.

Aaron: In an unrelated story, the House today passed new legislation allowing certain entities an exemption for the minimum wage and overtime rules.