RSN Fundraising Banner
FB Share
Email This Page
add comment

writing for godot

'Cancel Election, Keep Obama' Offers Desperate GOP

Print
Tuesday, 07 June 2016 09:51
'We'd rather deal with the devil we know for another four years than risk a Trump or Clinton presidential calamity with this election.' – Sen. Mitch McConnell.

By James Israel, Humor Times

In a stunning turn of events, the Republican party has made a historic offer to the Democrats: Work with them to cancel this year’s presidential election, and they will allow Obama another four years in the White House.

(Image: http://www.humortimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/mcconnell-mitch-400x260.jpg)

“It’s either that, or the end of civilization as we know it,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“It sounds crazy, but both parties know their candidates are fatally flawed, so it could work,” said Bill Kristol, conservative editor of The Weekly Standard. “I couldn’t talk David French into running as an independent, so this is the next best thing.”

“Clinton is not trusted, even by her own party, and God knows what kind of devastation Trump would bring upon our nation and the world,” Kristol said. “Democrats also know Hillary could be indicted at any moment, dooming her bid, so they may well go along with the deal.”

Establishment Republicans have long been wringing their hands over Donald Trump, unsuccessfully trying to wrest the nomination away from him throughout the process. They fear the very destruction of their party should he be allowed to ascend to the presidency in this year’s election.

“Sure, Trump would probably destroy the country financially and socially, and may initiate a global nuclear holocaust over some perceived slight from a Chinese leader or something, but that’s not what we’re worried about,” said McConnell. “We’re concerned that he will damage our brand.”

“We’ve put up with white supremacists and tea partiers in our party for years, we can handle that. But the train wreck that would be a Trump presidency? He’d bury us. We’d rather buy some time to right the ship, and deal with the devil we know for another four years — Barack Obama,” he added.

“Sure, there’s some constitutional issues to deal with, like presidential term limits, but when has that old rag of a document ever got in the way when we wanted to do something?” McConnell asked rhetorically.

“Besides, we’ve kinda had fun fucking with ol’ Barack all this time,” he chuckled. “And, hell, all that crap about Obama taking away our guns and being a secret Muslim? Everyone but the diehard teabillies know that was just us playing pranks and twisting Dems’ knickers in a bunch.”

The DNC has not yet officially responded to the proposal.

However, party chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz hinted at their eventual decision today, telling reporters, “Hey, even a diehard Hillary supporter like myself can read the writing on the wall — as well as the FBI probe reports.”

[This fake news piece was first published by Humor Times at http://www.humortimes.com/56568/gop-cancel-election-keep-obama/]
e-max.it: your social media marketing partner
Email This Page

 

THE NEW STREAMLINED RSN LOGIN PROCESS: Register once, then login and you are ready to comment. All you need is a Username and a Password of your choosing and you are free to comment whenever you like! Welcome to the Reader Supported News community.

RSNRSN