Written by Monkerud Don   

The Garlic Press
by Don Monkerud

Now that the prospect of Donald Trump becoming president of the United States seems like a possibility, he is contemplating nominations for his Cabinet. Trump today released at least a partial list of expected appointments.

As a reward for supporting Trump against the GOP Blue Beard Billionaires, Sarah Palin wins Secretary of State. Palin’s soaring credentials on foreign relations places her far ahead of other GOP contenders. An expert on Russia, which she saw from her backdoor in Alaska, Palin will charm foreign diplomats to raise trade barriers and isolate the U.S. from a world refugee crisis. Her first diplomatic call will be to Russia’s Putin, a known admirer of Mr. Trump.

Expect Trump to appoint rival Ted Cruz as Secretary of War. GOP hawks applaud Cruz for the most machismo performance in the GOP debates. Cruz will immediately develop plans to bomb Iraq, Syria, Libya, Lebanon, and Egypt. Trump supporters are also demanding a confrontation with Mexico over paying for a wall to separate the two countries. Mexico adamantly opposes such a payment, but Cruz will up the ante by demanding that Mexico pay for half the cost of the U.S. military to protect Mexico from North Korea.

Ben Carson faces little opposition in becoming the next Secretary of Health and Human Services. Carson’s credentials are based on his belief in the infallibility of the Bible. He plans a public health campaign against eating shellfish, as commanded in Leviticus. New public bathroom laws will protect the public against gayness, which Carson sees as a contagious disease. Additional public health programs include prayer in public school, eliminating birth control, and a mental health provision for the promotion of Christian speech to replace the political correctness of liberals.

Chris Christie, whose experience gives him unique insights into lane control and other intricacies of traffic, will be awarded Secretary of Transportation. Christie plans a national program to coordinate traffic flow. Close cooperation with oil companies and auto makers will enable the elimination of speed limits, stop light tickets, gasoline taxes, and other oppressive government regulations.

Scott Walker, who has a special relationship with workers, will become Secretary of Labor. Walker will not only reverse Obama’s wage increase for Federal Workers, but also work to eliminate all national and state minimum wage laws. Eliminating anti-corruption laws for Federal and State employees will speed up lengthy waiting lines for businesses paying bribes and eliminating the Civil Service will enable the privatization of public services, including the FBI, the CIA and all local and state police agencies.

David Duke’s insights in race relations will be brought to bear in a new Department of Justice. A life-long supporter of slavery, Jim Crow laws and hard-nosed police tactics, Duke promises to give the police a free hand in maintaining public order. “Equality has gone too far,” Duke said recently. “We need to go back to the Constitution and reinstate the three-fifths provision for voting. This system worked for over 100 years without any problems. Our constituents yearn for a return to those good old days.”

In a surprise move, Trump will nominate Tom Vilsack, currently head of the Department of Agriculture, to follow himself. A strong supporter of genetic experimentation with the world’s food supply and a promoter of billionaire farmers, Vilsack promises to assist Monsanto in developing new food sources. They include combining mastodon and cow genes to produce more meat, crossing watermelons with potatoes to boost French fry production, and legalizing new untested chemicals to enhance American’s dinner plate.

Former Fox TV commentator Mike Huckabee will lead the Department of Education. He strongly supports teaching Christianity in public schools and replacing science text books with the Bible. He promises to dismantle central control and return education to the home, where it belongs. Education funding will shift to churches, the home and private schools, before he abolishes the Department of Education.

Trump has not settled on other cabinet positions but rumors are flying as fast as a pinball through the Twilight Zone: Bernie Madoff may receive a presidential pardon to become head of Treasury; Dick Cheney may come out of retirement to head Homeland Security; and Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, is rumored to head the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

At this time, Trump is considering taking over the responsibilities of other Cabinet posts himself, as he has little need for other opinions.