My newly found self validity and becoming "addicted" to my "Higher Power of IMPROV has given me almost limitless power, hope, and inspiration. Of course the power, hope, and inspiration are TOTALLY different from money, fame, and power! Instead, it is like I have become a "CELEBRITY to myself", my VALID self. I am without the perks of walking on the "RED CARPET", but at least the "RED CARPET" won't be "WALKING ON ME!

I used to settle for HAVING and conspicuously consuming things. I used most of my time and energy seeking to find meaning in "IDENTITY" values, for instance, feeling that I "belonged" with a particular group, that I felt accepted, approved of, part of something "bigger" than myself. Now I know that such "belonging" was an extension of an illusion, an extension of an ego that revolved around control and PERFORMANCES THAT INVOLVE THE PORNIFICATION OF FORCE.

I used to mistake these PERFORMANCES for LIFE EXPERIENCES, but they are, IMHO, two separate things: PERFORMANCES involve zero emotional vulnerability, because they are carried out practically anonymously, because one's "IDENTITY", one's "GROUPNESS" PERFORMS THEM! IMHO, AUTHENTIC life EXPERIENCES ALWAYS involve emotional, and sometimes physical vulnerability, too, because instead of PERFORMING with an IDENTITY (ego, etc., ) I am risking EXPERIENCING and communicating my BEING!

IMHO, I can only transcend PERFORMANCE by risking to EXPERIENCE the ANXIETY OF AMBIGUITY (namely the chaos of the so called "DARK SIDE" OF LIFE,) where all the flaws, all the reality of life and life experience really reside. To be included in various identity groups, i.e., family, gender, race, religious, ethnic, political, etc., groups, I had to idealize the illusion of control by embracing the values of performance. Performance, whether it involved relationships of family, sexuality, communication, politics, ethnicity, religion, etc., all the social and cultural constructs, always involved judgement and "membership" that was critically inclusive or exclusive.

I prefer, as much as is possible, to now choose EXPERIENCE OVER PERFORMANCE. I prefer now to EXPERIENCE BEING myself! I try to BE myself, flaws & all but I find myself demonized as a "witch", rhymes with b***h.(If I were a man I guess I would be demonized differently!)

As a result, I'm relatively isolated now. It's like being in solitary confinement, except my "confinement" is almost voluntary, because I refuse to "go along to get along". IMHO, the "going", the "getting" is too high a price, too unsatisfactory, respectively, an outcome to pay for "selling" my soul, selling out to illusions and lies. I prefer the intuitive and instinctual "wealth" of FREEDOM FROM DEFENSIVENESS to any and all EXCESS material luxury (that is anything that is beyond what i need to basically survive, and enjoy basic necessities.)

I'm able to really get to know me, the real me, now. I'm able to get much needed recuperative rest. IMHO,I'm re-cooperating from PTSD which started with an extremely dysfunctional family. That original PTSD has been exacerbated by being sensitive to, & aware of how THE ENTIRE SOCIAL CONTRACT made me either bully myself (i.e., made me give PTSD to myself, through fear, & intrusive thoughts) or THE ENTIRE SOCIAL CONTRACT made me provoke &/or bully others, either symbolically through verbal "violence" or with "violence" by omission. (I should have helped someone long ago, etc.)

I'm now able to, at least until my "savings" run out, stay away from toxic others, until I get stronger by developing my HUMOR resources. I now use humor, IMPROV etc., to cope with self &/or other provocations, bullying. It seems like finding my self validity, very well MAY have simultaneously occurred when I found or became my sense of (DARK?) HUMOR. Perhaps my humor is now so dark that it is similar to a dark hole that has sucked me into another realm, a realm of being understood only by others who dare to risk emotional vulnerability. My sense of (dark?) humor is now my "Higher Power" that I am "addicted" to! I"m writing to/for ME, because I guess I have (willingly) forfeited the arrogance to write to and for others! lmfao