Taibbi writes: "Some thought we should change the rules that made us all too drunk last time. Sorry, America. The third Republican debate is here - hydrate!"
Ben Carson and Donald Trump will square off at Wednesday evening's GOP debate. (photo: Ronyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images)
28 October 15
Some thought we should change the rules that made us all too drunk last time. Sorry, America. The third Republican debate is here – hydrate!
ast time around, the GOP presidential debate turned into a destructively alcoholic affair from the jump. This was primarily due to two drinking game rules: One, drink whenever Donald Trump brags about how much money he makes. Two, drink whenever you hear the phrase,"I'm the only candidate on this stage who…"
I had letters calling for a mercy rule here. "Hey, jackass, I threw up in hour two. And I'm forty-eight," read one. "You can't make us drink every time Trump brags about his wallet. It's in the Geneva Conventions."
Well, I checked. It's not in the Geneva Conventions. Remember, folks, we're not in this for the fun of it. This is democracy. We owe it to ourselves and to the Constitution to honor the process.
So I'm leaving the two high-volume rules in there for at least one more debate, along with some other Republican-debate standards (like uncomfortable applause for racist/sexist lines). We're mixing in new rules also, to reflect the changing dynamic of the race.
Ben Carson is a focus in tonight's game because of new polls that show him seizing the lead. His new frontrunner status figures to inspire lots of bad behavior from Trump, of course. But other candidates should show up here as well, particularly desperate ones like Jeb Bush who may flail wildly at Carson in an attempt to remind his donors that he's still in the race.
The ten candidates at the grownup table tonight are Trump, Carson, the surging Marco Rubio (watch the party elders coalesce around him soon), the "low-energy" Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina (who has faceplanted pollswise since the bounce from the last debate), the stubbornly unlikeable Reagan-wannabe Ted Cruz, TV's cheerful madman Mike Huckabee, quiet car antagonist Chris Christie, and the faceless John Kasich (could you pick him out in a lineup?).
Bringing up the rear is the man I like to call the "Republican Gallagher," Rand Paul, who has spent much of the campaign shooting and chainsawing stuff and doing self-described "dumbass" live streams. If he drops out soon, it won't be for a failure to search out every conceivable method of demeaning the process.
It saddens me to see CNBC moderator Carl Quintanilla, with whom I used to laugh about all of this stuff while stuck on campaign planes together, forced to wear a straight face for the whole of tonight's event. Good luck to him.
Please do not watch presidential debates and drive. Also, please don't run to the bathroom to do uppers to stay in the game if you drink too much. Without further ado:
DRINK EVERY TIME:
DRINK THE FIRST TIME AND THE FIRST TIME ONLY:
Drink EVERY TIME you hear:
TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER IF:
The following rules are optional, for the truly hardcore.
BONUS SHOTS IF:
Watch responsibly. See you all on Twitter this evening.