The Second Coming of Rick Santorum

By Charles Pierce, Esquire

28 May 15

ALSO SEE: Ten Outrageous Ideas Rick Santorum Actually Believes

In which our opinion remains unchanged.

ave I mentioned recently what a colossal dick Rick Santorum is? No matter, you can see for himself because he's running for president again. In his announcement speech, Rick went full wingnut. He wants to "drive a stake" through Common Core (Hi, "Bobby" Jindal!). He wants to junk the IRS (Hi, Ted Cruz!) and institute a flat tax (Hi, Steve Forbes!). This, of course, means that you and Bill Gates will pay exactly the same percentage of your income in taxes, and Rick is only doing that because he's "stands for someone -- the American worker."

Yeesh.

We heard about how ISIL featured him in its online magazine, bragging that they quoted him in all his gimlet-eyed macho, "They know who I am and I know who they are." Christamighty, he believes it. They're quivering in the desert because Rick Santorum talked tough about them. His audience went wild. I'm at a loss to know why.

"We have learned," he went on, " that commander-in-chief is not an entry level position, and that the White House last place for on-the-job training." More cheers, as though the same could have been said of the last three presidents the country elected. For that matter, I'm not exactly sure what preparation for the job of commander-in-chief can be found in a resume that includes being an aide in the Pennsylvania State House, being a white-shoe lawyer, serving two terms in both the House and the Senate, losing his last re-election bid by 17 points, and being the runner-up to Willard Romney in 2012. Maybe ISIL sees something I don't. He should feature them in his commercials.

He remains the perfect blend of smug sanctimony and greasy smarm. He's the only guy who can talk to you about God and make you think he's talking about the guy from HR. Rick Santorum remains a colossal dick. I may have mentioned that.