ALSO SEE: John Cassidy | A Closer Look at Officer Wilson's Testimony

Darren Wilson Speaks

By Charles Pierce, Esquire

27 November 14

nce again, I would like to congratulate whoever it was that prepped Officer Darren Wilson for his close-up with Bob McCulloch's Jack Molinas-inspired grand jury. As can be seen from his exclusive chat with The Clinton Guy Shocked By Blowjobs, the man takes coaching very, very well. Even Hulk Hogan makes an encore appearance. Wilson's mentors probably told him to stay away from using Kamala as a metaphor because it likely would conflict with Wilson's diversity training, and because Kamala has fallen on hard times.

"The first one that he hit hit me in this side of the face, hit me like right along here (indicated lower left jawline). And then I don't know how many hit me after that. I just know there was a barrage of swinging, and grabbing and pulling for about 10 seconds."

I have seen boxers hit with a "barrage" of punches. They look like they shaved with a Cuisinart, and that was a result of being whacked around by opponents wearing 10-ounce gloves. I mention this only in passing, of course, and also that Wilson's abrasions are healing nicely, I must say.

"I had reached out my window with my right hand to grab onto his forearm 'cause I was gonna try and move him back and get out of the car to where I'm no longer trapped. I just felt the immense power that he had. And then the way I've described it is it was like a 5-year-old holding onto Hulk Hogan. That's just how big this man was."

Clinton Guy: "You're a pretty big guy."

Wilson: "Yeah. I'm above average. I'm about 210, 215. But, from what I've heard, he's about 290.

Which reminds me of a line of dialogue from a Dan Jenkins novel.

"How big are you?"

"Don't know. I never weighed my knife."

A nine-millimeter Glock weighs less than 30 ounces when it's loaded. I mention this only in passing, of course.

"As I'm holding him, I see him coming around with his left hand, and it's in a shape like this (indicates a closed fist, but palm up), and it comes through the window and just a solid punch to the right side of my face."

Try that sometime, if you're as tall as Michael Brown. Try landing a solid blow, with your left hand, punching down at a seated passenger in an automobile, through the car's window. If you can do that, call Top Rank immediately.

"The next thing was 'How do I survive?'"

Clinton Guy: How do I survive?

Wilson: "Yes. I didn't know if I was going to be able to withstand another hit like that. I mean,  you hear all then time, one punch, and someone's knocked out and if I'm knocked out, what happens to me? Then I can't defend myself at all. That was my fear. If he hits me again, will I be conscious after that hit?"

We must point out that, if any portion of this account is true, and the available physical evidence is, ah, ambiguous, then Michael Brown acted stupidly, which is not a capital offense in any jurisdiction, not even Texas, or else we'd have been spared one president and quite a few governors.

"It was a very, very intense image he was presenting.I was so shocked because this had escalated so quickly from a simple request to a fight for survival. And it still doesn't make sense to me why someone would act in that way and be so mad instantly and be so aggressive instantly."

Clinton Guy: At that point, you've called for help. He's running away. Why not just stay in the car?

Wilson: "My job is not to just sit and wait. I have to see where this guy goes. My goal wasn't to arrest him. My goal was to maintain visual."

10-4.

No, wait.

By Wilson's own account, Brown already was a suspect in a robbery in which there was violence, and now in an assault on a police officer -- and, if Wilson is right about Brown's attempt to turn Wilson's own weapon on him, the attempted murder of a police officer -- and his goal is not to arrest the guy but just to keep an eye on him? That dog ain't bringing anything back for supper. Was anybody in that grand jury awake?

Clinton Guy: You mean you weren't going to arrest him alone.

Wilson: I wasn't going to arrest him alone. I knew I had back-up on the way.

The fight for the book deal is going to be even bloodier.